Mockingjay in my life

The thing about watching movie is
I was usually quite carried away after the movie
Ended the 2nd last day before new year with the last hunger games movie
Not gonna create any spoiler
But I would say the movie broke my heart
& I don't like the ending at all haha

2015, as usual, highs & lows
Probably lows are more than highs
& life got more intense & challenging
But the fact learnt during this year is
I haven't become the mockingjay in my own life

What's the main quality of a mockingjay?
It shines
For me, my life had been dull enough
Especially since I left Durham
My life had been very.. stagnant, robotic
I learnt a lot, but at the same time
I lost my direction & passion in other things

Reason of yet to be unemployed
I don't shine
I am always too nervous, too conserve
Overthinking, blind follower
Maybe I overused my energy
Hence I always just feel like resting my brain

To become a mockingjay
Have to be tough, determined, motivated
On fire
Not only on fire for 3 seconds, but need to last long
I'm still trying to find myself
Shaping myself into a better person
I might still be drowning
But I'm sure I will survive,
If I'm the mockingjay

Just wanna say
"Babe, I miss you"
Not in any relationship
But to whoever that I love
Not in a cheesy way, but I truly meant it

Is time to say goodbye to 2015
& then
"Ladies & gentleman,
Welcome to the 2016 Hunger Games!"

Inside out

Have been wasting lots of time recently

Probably will waste more until new year

7 movies in 2 days. Epic

Never do that before till the past 2 days, but was fun.

Watched a animated movie today

Recommended by a friend of mine

Know this movie

But cartoons are always not in my to watch list

Well, although I never cry

But this movie teaches me a lot

Probably about emotions

Overconfidence

Happened to me a lot

As I misjudged the situation & become complacent

Maybe sometimes is good to listen to others

& accept certain opinions

Nervous

Being nervous and rushing a decision doesn't bring any good

I know it, every single time

But until now is still something that I want to overcome

Is hard, & I failed many times

But I just have to try, to overcome it

So that in the future, I can act normally, speak normally

When I'm facing every person around me.

Family

I will say, I miss them

Miss the time together

Is my 4th year abroad

It annoys me that I am spending lesser time with them

Maybe I should join them if they come to travel

Maybe I should just go back home & work

I dunno

There's just too many factors to be considered

If honesty is key

I will probably be honest about slowly losing the ability to cry

My tears usually flows when I'm under too much pressure

Or some scenes are just too touching

But haven't been crying for months is just a bit weird

Doesn't freaks me out

But I think I probably need some time to release my emotion

Completely

& yea, this movie, "Inside Out"

Is great

Left Durham today

Might not be going back anymore

The feeling is pretty.. Awful

Miss there, as always

& I know, I need to let everything go

Realization

Continue from the previous post...
Yea thank goodness everything went well
A great night chatting
Although is just the 3 of us
Different Christmas experience compare to the past

Well, life is all about making choices
Chosen not to go overseas to travel this winter is a tough decision
Maybe I should have taken the opportunity
& just go somewhere
Instead of coming back to this place where I missed so much
But I think I made the right choice

Chat with my bro about how he got his part-time job & internship
Sudden realization
That he deserve what he got
& I also probably deserve to be unemployed by now

I'm not good enough, like seriously
Technical skills, not sufficient at all
& I do not speak good English at all
Have been trying to improve
But yea, not sure is it already my limit
If so then have to push beyond the limit

Not feeling too upset about it
The fact that I'm behind a lot of people by now
Can't be changed
So yea, looking forward to the future
Hopefully I improve
Soon

Meanwhile,
cherish the last few days of 2015!
Live with no regrets

Apologies for someone that won't read this

Is the first time I make my return since masters
Actually when I knew that you would join the dinner today
Was a bit nervous
Probably wasn't sure how it will go

It went alright
Although I don't really speak much for some reason
Probably because I don't really chat much usually
I just found that my jaw was frozen for the whole night

Just hope that it will be less awkward tomorrow
I don't know, it is probably my problem
Since it was the first time meeting you after a while
My apologies for everything that happened in the past
Probably scared you off a little
& also apologies for my unusual reaction today
I will be better
I promise

Meanwhile is good to be back here
The place that is always in my heart
Meeting you guys just feel like home
& maybe it's time for some bromance as well
Ciao!

2015, such a happening year

It is probably the time to reflect on 2015
Well, I probably wrote some sort of things that I want to achieve this year
But have no idea where is it by now
So, just screw that

I think every year I would say it has not been a good year
I do not know why, somehow every year seem to be hard
The start of this year was not great, obviously
The failure of getting together with a girl that I like
A tough start
It was probably just a one way thing
Hence this is probably the best outcome that I could get
Emotionally seriously affected
It is probably the first time in life that I told my friend that I was not looking forward to my birthday

Well, on the bright side
Got offered to study at Imperial
It somehow gave me some comfort
So that I do not feel awful every single day
Unexpected offer, but got it in the end

Pretty relieved with my final results in June
While traveling with my buddy in Krakow
At least I graduated with a degree result which is satisfying
Was worried about that for quite a while
But it ended up well

Travelled alone in Europe
It was actually because I cannot find anyone to travel with
So it provided me with an opportunity to explore alone
The experience was amazing
Really learnt a lot, reflected a lot
& I would say, I was lucky to meet my previous girlfriend

Graduation in Durham was pretty cool
At that time, it felt like I was the most lucky guy in this world
I really appreciate the presence of my family, cousin, friends
I can't ask for more
After three years finally they are all by my side

Finally moved on from January
Got into a relationship which I really hope for
But sadly it ended too soon
Another heartbroken situation
Well, I was the one who ended it
There was too much to handle at that time
She was a great girl, I have no doubt on that
That's probably why I still question my decision till now
There are nights, when I just miss her so much
I probably disturbed her too much as well
By still finding her when I could not fall asleep
I should let it go, & I know it
She definitely deserves a better guy in her life

Life in Imperial, torrid time
Struggling from the start, mentally stressed out almost all the time
There was a period of time when I could not control my frustration
So I guess it was good that I did not release my anger on her
Ended the term ok I guess
Besides 1 paper, I did ok for the others
Should be able to pass, so I do not really want to look back anymore

Job applications, failed 14
The remaining no reply
One of those things that is hard to accept
But I guess this is life
I do not think I am capable enough to be accepted by those 14 companies
So I think is fair that I got rejected
But certainly hope for improvement

Came across two blog posts today
Both posts also do not seem to be positive
2015 does not seem to be a good year for people including me
It feels like I have a lot of things that I want
But the truth is, I had a lot
The loss in relationship, the jobless situation, the new doubts on my masters
Somehow I just feel helpless and directionless, about future

I do not know why I ended up like this
But I guess there is still time to improve on this situation
Maybe the remaining 11 days in 2015 are not enough to make any significant change
So, hope for a better run in 2016
4.30am, time to sleep, ciao!

再度受创

没想到今天，意外还是发生了
不知怎么的状态和表现都非常糟糕
又回到了之前那个又慌又脑袋空白的状态
尝试短时间调适回来的
可是真的没办法
考完了之后就真的什么也不想说

虽然装得非常的坚强
但心里还是非常不是滋味
努力是不一定会成功的，那是对的
失败是成功之母
走出来就没事了吧

工作上收到了14封拒信
间接的。几乎彻底打击了我的希望
又遇到了瓶颈了
该怎么解呢？
我也不知道
听天由命吧

无论如何
是时候回到stochastic
为最后一天努力吧

比成功更重要的事

接下来的一个星期
将会是一个非常，情绪紧绷的一个星期
努力了几个月，就为了这四天
现在已经进入状态了
慢慢能比较专注，我想这就已经很好了

不久前就买了回杜伦的车票
老实说一直都希望是人多的时候回去
那样就可以一次过见到很多人
但想了一下，好兄弟都来问我了
其实有些东西是再多的钱也买不到的
当下就决定回去了

其实未来的事，常常会让我感到恐慌
我也即将迈入23岁了
这一辈子，好像什么也没做
还是一个找不到工作的人
未来的路，该怎么走也没想法
所以未来一年的事我还是不太敢去想的

短期的计划，我还是希望可以留在这的
在这3－4年里面，其实我得到的不只是课业上的东西
我得到了很多很多我很珍惜的朋友，很珍惜的事
我知道一旦我被迫回国
很多事情可能就变得非常的不一样了
所以如果能够选择，我还是希望在这里拿些经验

从小到大，这已经是我的第5所学校了
每次要离开的时候回顾时都会有很多想法
我也很难想像我离开这里之后会是怎样
考完试之后应该是时候做一下这一类的规划
虽然在IC的日子，实在是让我有些吃不消
感觉看起来都老了几岁了哈哈哈
但这也会是我这辈子不会忘记的成长经历
有些时候生活沉闷的当儿
其实也可以体会到很多新的事

奋斗的旅程，即将开始

要对得起为我付出的

即将会进入一个比较紧绷的状态
这样的状况应该会维持两个星期
这几天算是特意放慢脚步
因为之后就是一路冲到最后

这次求什么呢？
老实话心里谁不求distinction？
但这个太不现实了
以现在的状况都是求及格
然后一分一分去拿

需要不断地对自己说
你可以的，你行的
确实要突破机会真的非常渺茫
现在也只能够专心的备战了

当前后都是荆棘的时候
往前走应该是比较好的选择

开始了解林丹备战北京奥运的时候的滋味
是吃饭也想着羽球
然后更多的锻炼，就为了让优势增加一点点
今天早上从作业来不及写完的噩梦醒来
我知道我的状况已经开始变得更加紧绷

接下来的时间，非常希望能够全心全意的准备
希望什么也不想，就只是学习
每个晚上就听着yiruma的琴声
因为这会让我想起今年毕业前在杜伦大学图书馆
自己呆到半夜才走路回家是什么心情

我会多提醒自己
为什么来这里读书
我用了家里人多少钱
申请工作的事已经走着下坡了
所以只希望能够对得起为我付出的这些人

考试心态转换

太累了
所以今晚算是放了一晚上的假
觉得眼睛真的就太肿了，所以应该要好好休息了

以前没有太喜欢黄晓明
但刚刚看了他的影片发现性格上来说我跟他还是挺像的
他是个很拼的人，拼得身上全是伤
我想我很多时候也一样
不为什么，只不过会想突破想前进
不过有些时候真的是需要缓一缓
不然老了真的就…走不动了

还有一个星期就考试了
自身难保之余，还抽时间教一个同学
身边的人就问我是不是要追她
绯闻也慢慢传开了
无论如何都不是这样的
只不过能帮的我都会帮吧，也就喜欢这样的心态
考试固然重要，但在我心中已不是最重要

当然她也跟我说过一句话
就是她觉得马来西亚人都非常友善
我觉得挺难得的
所以也想完善一下我国人的形象
所以有很多时候我也尽量不迟到
不然我国人就永远和迟到连在一起了

以前我还挺喜欢站在闪光灯下最耀眼的
现在反而喜欢做个平凡的人
但我想带出的是
真实的一个我

放手或许比较好

考试两个星期前
准备了吗？什么都还没准备
难得如此的潇洒哈哈
刚才跟妈咪聊了一下
我说我不能一个星期七天每天都重复一样的事
我也不知道，可能没那个热忱
或者说我可能就至少需要一个早上还是一个下午的休息时间
什么也不做的那种

其实现在说真的除了求及格以外没有什么要求了
以前还会老是要求高分
但那也是过去的事了
越来越感觉自己是来混的
有些东西没很用心的去争取
也不是说不用心
只不过比起很多人还算是不够用心
我也不知道这样心态的转换是不是好事

有些事，努力不一定会得到的
所以可能得失心要少一些

很少在这里直接说感情的事
但今天会透露一些
我觉得我现在的状况就没办法恋爱
除了生活非常无趣之外
还有就是我情绪上一直处于不是很好的状态
现在我的情况有些不顺
所以会时常有情绪不好发脾气的时候
然后就是暂时真的无法专注于恋爱
恋爱时会有很多种抽离的感觉
所以对另一半也不是很公平

我也不是在制造着什么可怜的场景
只不过想说我真的负荷不来
可能需要到另一个阶段的时候
再开始考虑这个问题
现在想法都比较现实
而且真的养不起对方
也照顾不了对方
喜欢一个人，会紧握不放手
爱一个人，会为对方的幸福放手

平凡才是无比的幸运

经过伦敦两个多月的洗礼

感觉自己也已经开始变了个人似的

我也不知道这样的转变是好事还是坏事

除了感觉自己变成了一个很闷的人

然后也就感觉自己开始也不知道自己的方向

如果说读硕士是为了更上一层楼

有的时候更像是因为找不到工作

而来到这里堕落

在这里我感觉和其他得过且过的人一样

觉得要拼还真的是很多时候有心无力

所以最近还是又回到了原点

就是想着：我当初决定修硕士的原因

工作申了20份,被拒了一半。剩下的希望也不大

有很多时候真的需要调整好心态吧！

还有一个月，可能就真的可以放假了

应该说可以休息，不过感觉应该也都还是需要在家看书的

如果说飞过人间的无常

才懂得这里真的让我开心的是什么

那还真的要感谢这里的几个好友们

没想到还能遇到一起打拼的人

他们真的是很真心的在帮助我

就算我是他们申请工作的直接对手

也依然毫不吝啬的给我资料帮我参加一大堆的events

我觉得，辛苦的路上至少还有谈笑风生的存在

还有这些很真实的朋友

我还能说我不幸运吗？无悔了都

或许最后我可能不会留在英国工作

或许我最终也不会有多成功

但我想，这里的日子，还是值得的

我会坚持的

缓一缓，说不定是好的

星期五的夜晚
在干嘛呢？
做了晚饭之后，在电脑前打了一个晚上的application form
然后submit了我的第20份job application
心酸的是已经被reject了7份
然后另外13份是无声无息的没落着

最近开始缓了一下，不再那么疯狂的申请
主要的原因是开始思考了很多事
发觉被拒绝其实也是满合理的
因为申请了那么多依然不清楚工作到底是怎么样
经验不够丰富，平时也没遇到什么事
感觉人生经历还是太少了
可能要给点时间去了解一下这个行业吧

感觉周末应该会放自己半天的假
每天几乎没日没夜的过
感觉也不是特别的好
身边的许多也开始不那么在乎
很多事也开始遗忘
我想这也不太是我要的生活吧

可能再过一阵子情况会有些改善
现在还是继续撑着吧

慢慢的已经没在向往要去哪走走看看
感觉就真的是很累了
只想要休息
或者说只想要可以一天不看书
我也不知道人类怎么可以坚持每天过这样的生活
说不定再过些日子我就知道了

黑色周末？

成绩终于在昨天出了....

没有意外的，说不定整个班的成绩都是这样

完全就是一个假象

想象下个月的考试之后，就多数不会那样了

申了15份工，被拒了3份

点睇

感觉开始需要面对现实了

要在finance industry工作真的是

太高于我个人的能力了

昨天新闻就报道了一个人坠楼

掉在别人车上就算了

还把车内的人给压死了

*无语*

然后就是双威大学又有人跳楼自杀

*无语*

然后晚上就是法国巴黎超过100人被射杀

恐袭吗？

*再度无语*

接着就是今天早上在London Gatewick

乘客被驱散因为有suspicious package

看来，真的是黑色周末了

注意安全吧大家

也为所有的死者默哀

留下或回去

又是一个睡不着的夜晚…

躺在床上翻来覆去了好久
想了很多事
有一个问题挺纠结的
就是我到底想不想留在这
最近就忙着找工作吧
虽然不是特别顺利，拿到的机会也不高
可是既然是最后一次了总得试试看

这件事通常也不太问别人的意见
问10个，应该10个都会说留在这里好
当然，工作上还是能学到很多的
赚钱方面也就见仁见智
但毕竟在外第4年了
说真的也会有想回家的时候

我不知道有什么原因会让我想留下
感觉如果留下的话就更少机会和时间陪家人
家人还好，还可以视频
可是外公外婆就真的，见到的机会太少了
他们也都已经老了，真的很希望他们能够长命百岁
就只是希望见到他们的时间和机会能多一些
这也是为什么我回到外婆家都很少在那睡午觉的原因
因为时间不够吧

无论如何，是该尽量拿到工作
明天也需要尽量醒来
晚安世界

很想忘掉的一周

有点失意的一周
先是被EY拒了
然后stochastic考试又挂了
明天醒来也应该不想看email
不想再被拒吧
其实被拒很正常吧，只不过真的需要摆好心态

身体慢慢开始不行了
应该是过度的操劳和压抑
所以就有点稍微病了
只希望快点好吧
因为好像也没时间生病

本来想着要不要假期去丹麦玩几天
可是好像也没什么心情去计划
所以就不去了
现在才知道进修真的是非常辛苦

非常羡慕身边很多人
对课程又觉得简单
又不用找工作
我不知道我这样还能够兼顾多久
可能真的就能力有限吧
算又不行说话又不行写作又不行
真的是，非常的无语

走一步算一步吧
最终很有可能还是需要回国的

Actuarial? Risk?

While preparing for Matlab class test tomorrow...

Kinda got distracted..

& I'm here probably writing about some craps again

Went swimming with friend Jessica today

I know that she swims quite often, so I expect her to be good

After settling into the pool, I am totally outpaced

& I never expect myself to be that bad haha

Oh well, never swim for more than a year is probably just an excuse

While body weight increased but strength & stamina deteriorated

That's the result..

I think for every 10 laps she swam.. I probably swam 3 or 4 only

Not really from a comparison point of view, but this let me to reflect on myself as well

Conclusion: need more exercise ^^

Back to studies.. had been trying to catch up since last month

Sad to say, now still trying hard for that 

I probably feel pretty unsatisfied with the expectations on me

But I guess the truth is always cruel

Nobody will give you time

If the learning curve is a vertical straight line, have to do it as well

If things are easy probably won't appreciate that much as well

This kind of dilemma always exists...

As usual, forget more things as time goes by,

Today even forgot to bring my Oyster card..

Need to find some way to become younger xD

Discussed a bit of future career path with friend recently

Am I going back to insurance? Hmmmm....

Going back to actuarial? Hmmmm....

That's probably the slightly easier path, compare to risk management

Gets whatever work-life balance that most of the people are looking for

But yea, might as well take risk now I guess.

Just need to believe chances are equally distributed and fair

Like a coin, or a die

我不敢休息，因為我沒有存款 <－－文章

今早看了一篇文章，觉得还挺不错的

http://www.cmoney.tw/notes/note-detail.aspx?nid=41698

里面的几句话，还蛮喜欢的

“我能放弃选择，但是我不能选择放弃”

我想很多时候我们都需要放弃一些选择

毕竟地球终究不是绕着自己转的

通常这样的时候还是特别难受和失落的

但可能要到四面楚歌的时候，才能明白不能选择放弃的意思吧

因为当时已经没有其他选择了，比较能义无反顾的杀出一条血路

“世上没有一件工作不辛苦，没有一处人事不复难”

如果在今年之前问我，我应该是不太认同

但经历了那么多之后，我想还真的没有一件工作是不辛苦的

我想辛不辛苦很多时候还是自己心里的衡量吧

如果是适合的，再辛苦也都会是不辛苦的

人事往往是最困难的，也是最难应对的

因为不是每个人都懂你，所以很多不懂你的人都会对你存着不满

慢慢觉得这样的现象也是挺正常了

以前还会去试图改变，但现在不会了

我想每个人都有选择喜欢还是讨厌你的权利

庆幸的是，现在还不至于活在勾心斗角的生活中

“越努力越幸运”

这句话，还真的不知道怎么去定义

《飘移》里那句 “运气从来就不在我这里”

我想还是说得挺对的

有些事情，不去奢望比较好

我想努力之后，就算失败，也是值得的吧

不过在一些事情上，还是希望能够幸运一些

如果这句话应验的话，我想大家就一起努力吧

亲子

最近一直在看部剧，朋友介绍的
虽然没什么时间看，虽然也只看了一点，但还是学到挺多的
很多事情，很值得去思考吧
我想，亲子关系还真的挺复杂的

很多父母呢，都习惯的把自己的梦想，放到孩子身上去
如果跟孩子的梦想吻合的话，那就很好了
但如果孩子不喜欢呢，那关系可能变得不是那么好吧
望子成龙望女成凤
很多人都是这么想的吧

从兴趣到学习，其实很多事都不太是自己决定的
直到长大了以后，可能20之后吧，才开始自己决定一些事
可是有些事，也不是自己能决定的吧
不是自己决定的事，往往会让人不太开心
可是我想如果心态换了，也不至于讨厌吧

希望孩子成功，快乐
可是很多时候因为追求着所谓的成功，逐渐失去了快乐
得到所谓的成功时，或许已经不再快乐了
有些时候盲目的追求也不是好事
我想能够做自己是幸福的

在亚洲这样一个生活环境下
很多时候大家不一定会选到自己想要的
很大的因素其实就是因为钱
不过那是一个事实吧，无法改变的事实
薪水低，又没什么津贴的话，几乎不太可能生存
但我想真的是没办法改变吧
只希望之后的孩子能够有更多的选择
或者说可以选择，选择自己喜欢的

Appreciating the past & present

If I am still in Durham
I will be attending DUMAS event tonight
Instead of coming back to study after dinner
Oh well, at least I still had dinner with best mate from Durham
It somehow makes me feel better to have close friend by your side again

It has been a while since I settled down here
Although life in Imperial is quite challenging,
I guess the thing I miss most is about the people around
I was thinking of finding the same kind of friendliness here,
particularly among people from my home country
But, meh, can't really get along that well
More like always have to show the not genuine smile every single time
I guess everyone has been a bit more reserved nowadays
Maybe is the kiasu-ism here, or maybe I am just out of their age range

Now I speak proper Mandarin almost everyday
Converting to mainland Chinese? Not really
But I guess I found that they are more genuine towards me
As a friend
Is probably because they do not need anything from me now
Or even they need any help from me in the future
I am absolutely fine with that
At least I can relax and make friends without any beneficiary issues
That's probably what I hope for, at this moment of time

Well, life goes on
Just gonna say, I am not boycotting people from my own country
Slap whoever that says so, you probably do not understand me enough
Appreciating the past, & the present

恢复好心态

这个星期开始了比较艰难的课程
接下来就是小考和交作业了
其实现在还是感觉非常吃力的
要赶上大家的进度还真是不容易啊
有的时候真的需要更多的思考和努力吧

几天前简直就是近乎崩溃
压力太大了一时之间真的没办法调整过来
大半夜的还想着找东西来出气一下
还好之后也就继续忙着总算心态比较好了
忙碌真的是很多事情的解药吧
根本就没时间去想太多有的没的

基本上已经放弃了IBD
IBD讲究的是速度，机智，高效
我刚好都没有，所以就，算了
现在只想毕业之后找份工
在哪里，薪水高低已经不是直接重要了
暂时已经无法追求了
想着现在几乎没有周末的日子
还真的不太适合我

心态真的很重要吧
它能够让你前进
能坚持到现在，其实也是因为很多人的影响
周杰伦，林丹，五月天，刘德华
还有《新兵日记》和《fast & furious》
等等等等的
其实没有这些，真的没办法坚持
想了想
还是会培养好心态坚持下去吧
辛苦是正常的
只要努力，只要坚持，就算是笨小孩也一样有机会

Culture shock?

Taken a step back today, to set my direction again
I actually slow down myself a bit recently
It is not because there is no passion or enthusiasm anymore
But sometimes you just don't know where it will lead to

After a month here, I probably have mix feelings towards this university
Well, you can probably say that Imperial is better than Durham in world ranking
Or whatsoever rankings that people always discussed about
But I do not think the people here are as genuine & truthful towards you
I was actually planning to mix better with the Malaysians here
(Since there are more Malaysians here compare to the small town that I used to be)
But now I kind of withdrawn, do not even want to pay for the society's membership haha
I guess people here are just different
U can easily get people that got 4A*'s in their A-levels, tons of JPA scholars
They might be excellent in academic, but we just don't click well
难道就一定要一直戴着帝国大学的光环吗？

I guess my class is very well spread, between the super rich & normal
A lot of them are just smarter than I am
& most of them learnt before most of the things
But still, I don't see the point of purposely sat at the front and slept there
Or leave halfway just because the lecture was boring
That's probably the main reason why I don't want to be a lecturer
Now loads of students are like prince & princess..
& whenever something doesn't suit them, they complain, complain & complain.
Even though sometimes they complain about pointless stuffs.
Literally wanna slap the couple that are laughing & joking loudly behind me during lecturer
屌你你以为你很犀利咩？酱拽 =.=

The difference between rich & poor kids are so obvious nowadays
I guess Warren Buffett is true, to pass on the knowledge but not the money
To pass on the attitude but not the money
I might be the one that is getting a culture shock in London
Is more like, when you represent Durham, nobody wanna talk to you
But when you are in London, they will say you are one of them aka Londoners
Sorry I don't think I am like one of you guys
Just because I see the difference, the skeptical judgement towards non-Londoners
Not only students from Oxbridge, London, Manchester & Liverpool are smart =.=
When you are posting all these equal rights thingy on Facebook
should probably reflect on yourself, & treat people equally first before anything

First return to Canley

How's Warwick without Kritz?
Is actually a question that is not seriously asked
But I have been thinking about it during my train journey back to London today
& I will say, it is really different.

I will probably never forget my yearly visit to Canley
It meant a lot to me I guess.
The first time in Westwood, having dinner with new friends (Melissa & Sabina)
& then had another dinner with Mark & Chris & friends.. Took the shuttle with Pei as well
I am definitely very fortunate to meet Kritz & friends in Warwick
& they are just like, a lovely family.

Although only Kritz was there during my visit in 2nd year,
but during my visit this year, finally all of them were there.
From the omelette for breakfast, to the lovely dinner of nachos & cheesecake made by Kritz,
it was just, brilliant. Sometimes I wish my stay in Durham was like that as well.

Today, is my first return to Canley since Kritz left.
Different purpose this time, was to visit my sister
I got my family member there, which is very lovely
& I should appreciate it as well
but at the same time, I think there is something that I miss.

When I entered 4A Kirby Corner Road,
everything in the house seemed to be the same.
The only difference is,
Kritz, Mark, Melissa, Jean are all not there already,
luckily Pei is still staying there, if not I wouldn't have the chance to go back as well.
Time flies, but I do appreciate & miss the people during my past 3 visits to this peaceful town.

I will be back to Canley again soon, I think
In the future the experience here won't be the same compared to the past 3 years.
But I will treasure the times with every one of them
Thanks to Kritz, definitely, & also to Mark, Melissa, Jean & Pei.

找工

5天4个考试
这基本概括了我下个星期的行程
来了一个月，生活节奏就像快速火车一样
几乎每一天都重复做着一样的事
老实说自己的时间也越来越少了
就算有的话也是没力去享受了

话说回来这个学校真是
让我开始想要炮轰
那个workshop我天天查
就跟我天天都是all slots filled
神马东西！！
然后一些event刚开不到5分钟就要上waiting list
真的是。。。无语

时代真的不一样了
除了申请工作的事特别的烦人之外
去event的时候也挺烦人的
虽然遇到一个马来西亚的
应该要称为uncle
却似乎，怎么也链接不上
感觉真的很不一样吧
人家生活在英国家庭在澳洲
还曾经在美国念了个MBA
我就算了哈哈
可能那些都不是我要的东西吧
下星期开始申了啦！

咬紧牙关也要去闯

我曾经以为我可以挺过去的
有时候也不知道
除了精神和体力上的疲惫
其余的，就是用忙碌来挡着先吧
可能有时候是要停下来看一看的

小幸运这首歌，还是一直听
可是感触已经不一样
人物也已经换了
或许有些时候，失去了才会懂得特别多吧

新的地方，新的课程，新的生活
很多东西都还在适应当中
每天早出晚归的，跟以前的生活完全不一样
最近看了书，书里说
要比别人付出多一些
希望最后还能够在这里找到一份工作吧

虽然机会非常渺茫
但总是要尝试的
身边的学霸一堆
不过就无所谓啦
往好的方面想，还是有机会追上大家的进度的
虽然起跑点上输了，不到终点总是不能放弃
要进步，就要先从改变自己开始

莫忘初衷

来这里差不多两个星期了
日子好像就这样的流着
没有太多的风浪
每天就是早起，上课，晚归，吃饭，睡了
好像是一个已经设定的规律
但也不知道，不会觉得无聊吧
觉得这样的日子好像也是挺充实的

虽然很明显的比起身边的很多人
还是落在后头
但其实也就只需要用更多的努力和坚持
来迎头赶上吧
新的环境新的心态
就用这样的想法一鼓作气的走下去吧

未来是在英国，还是马来西亚，还是其他地方
其实不是我能够决定的
这一行或许就是这样吧
100多个申请者只收一个
虽然事实是非常残酷的
不过只要有机会都不会放弃

“也许当时忙着微笑和哭泣
忙着追逐天空中的流星
人理所当然的忘记
是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地“
或许忙碌是忘记的解药
或许忘记是因为太忙了
有些时候追逐想要的东西
反而忘了需要的东西

多灾多难

第一天上课，没想到
灾难性的开始

早上迷迷糊糊之中
一不小心，手机掉进马桶
完了，刚刚不到两个月的手机
过了一下子马上一命呜呼
本来要洗澡的，开开水龙头
怎么水那么小？过后慢慢没水了
还好昨晚有装了点水

赶着吃早餐去坐校车
结果等了20分钟校车没来
没办法啦再等下去就迟到了
搭地铁，地铁也迟
我的天
下了车站狂奔到课室
还好今天迟开始

第一堂课，就一头雾水的这样过了
之后吃了饭
本来有第二堂课
等了半个钟，老师没来
过后说会重新安排
几个小时候又说安排到今天5点上课
真的是，气死

打算要松手机去维修，结果排长龙
可惜我没时间慢慢排
来到我家附近的
又要排，拿到了号码却无法去
因为傍晚有课
真的是，诸事不顺啊

希望呢，过后的日子能够
至少不要再像今天这样啦
也希望手机能够修好吧
真不知道
最近到底发生了什么事
有些事，还是不想太多好了

往前走

新的一个学年，新的生活

也是我在伦敦的一个新的开始

可惜不是每个新的开始都是好的开始

许多的考验和困难

在等着

趁周末，一天就睡了12个小时

可能暂时也不想醒来吧

想一个人静一静

我想有些时候失去了

才会感觉到难受

很多时候我也不知道我的决定是否正确

包括这一次

其实有人一起分享生活中的事

是很幸福的

看着窗外的火车轨道

人生就像火车一样

只有前进没后退

也许时间是一种解药

有些事情，随着时间的流逝

再看看吧

倒数的日子

“生命太短，明日无限远，始终都不比永远这样远”
取自于无间道的一段

这短短的一个半月
得到的可能跟工作学业都没关系
但却是非常珍贵的体验
因为我更加确定的是，我始终想回来这里
我也始终属于这里
有些东西是再多的钱也买不到的

我不知道我的未来会在哪里
也不知道会在干嘛
不过既然在这只剩下少过100个小时
那就只能好好的珍惜吧

虽然我对那个清洁的活动没怎样
也觉得非常多人只不过是用这个活动来宣传自己
但我始终不太认同外国的月亮比较圆这种舆论
不过既然明日都已经那么遥远
自己的事
就看未来怎样然后再做决定吧

家乡的盼望

专注力渐渐的开始下降
进度也越来越慢了
可能还是需要心态调整一下
希望这些重要的事，都能够顺顺利利
好让我也能够好好的休息吧

这次回来，新的体验，新的生活
确实是有些东西不太习惯
但是还是能够慢慢适应
毕竟离开了那么久难免有些陌生

看到外公外婆的机会越来越少
心中还是挺感慨的
一年后的我会在哪里
我也不知道
但我希望我能够保持着一个很好的心态
去面对这些事情
非常感谢你们，因为无论我在哪里
你们永远都在我心中
家乡的画面
以前每年在那里过的新年
我会永远记得的

我的小幸运

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQCbDUdv6xA
最近一直重复听的，蛮多感触的

“原来你是 我最想留住的幸运
原来我们 和爱情曾经靠得那么近
那为我对抗世界的决定 那陪我淋的雨
一幕幕都是你 一尘不染的真心

与你相遇 好幸运
可我已失去 为你泪流满面的权利
但愿在我看不到的天际 你张开了双翼
遇见你的注定 她会有多幸运”

虽然没那么多，好像偶像剧的剧情那样精彩的
但还是很感谢，所有的过去
因为没有过去，就没有现在的我
我想我是幸运的
虽然有许多事还挺纠结的
虽然还有许多事需要时间
但现在的我，正在走着一个新的路程
希望这个路程，能够把我带到我想要的目的地

国家国人，离我远吗？

在一个睡不着觉的夜晚....

脑子里闪过了很多事
可是今晚想写的是
我对自己的国家的看法
对这里的人的看法

对于许许多多政治的闹剧
对于种种国家的不幸
我已经累了
应该说，我暂时觉得，是无法改变的
从赵先生的悬案
到大选前的幽林选民
再到大选的黑箱
接着下来的贪污事件
到今日的副首相下台
查贪污案的公关突然退休
这一切一切的连续剧
我已经彻底的不再对国家清廉抱有任何希望
对不起，我不是那么的天真的以为哪天会改朝换代
会也好，不会是现在

我也是最近才发觉
我跟许多人合不来
主要原因是思维非常的不一致
我国很多人非常厉害的是看图说故事
一件事，可以连到一大堆有的没的无关的事
对，首相或许的确有错
但不是所有国家大大小小的事，都是首相的错
或许很多人会认为，为什么我在帮一些我不该帮的人说话
但请你们看看自己，为何总是把矛头指向别人
而不是自己呢？

国家近年来，不进则退
为什么？因为老天不公？因为政府无能？
或许是对的，但我也很大胆的说
身为人民的我们，也需要负很大的责任
教育系统有问题，难道学生的态度就没问题？
怨天尤人，钱就自动会从天而降？
还是说，国家经济就会进步？
与其有时间在那里投诉一堆有的没的，说别人的是非
不如好好充实一下自己，想一下怎么进步吧
对，我一点都不觉得我爱国
我也不觉得我比起你们这些每天po一大堆国家新闻的人来得在乎
但请问你们，到底真正又做了什么？
还不是什么都没做？
那样国家和自身的生活进步也只是天方夜谭

不好的习惯和态度
不是注定的，也不是性格
只不过是一直在逃避事实的人的烂借口
是不能改？还是根本不想改？

请恕我抨击得太苛刻，
但我希望总有一天
我和你们能够站在同一个线上

新的方向

我以为我会继续把旅程都写完
但就真的太忙了吧，所以也不会用太多时间去继续写
无论如何，旅行了之后，得到的真的非常的多
不只是说人生里多了许多新的体验
心理状态上也得到了很多的充实

离开了我非常熟悉的一个地方
老实说，还是非常的舍不得的
在那里，有许许多多的，好的，和不好的，回忆
甚至有很多事，是无法忘记的
不是戴着光环毕业，其实是没达到3年前定下的目标
虽然如此，但还是给了自己很大的肯定
我不觉得我带着很多学识离开
我带着走的，只是那一个态度

我以为我放不下的
但我现在还是真的放下了
所有过去的事，已经不是那么的重要了
新的生活，用新的心态走下去
有些事，是有非常大的风险的
是需要很大的勇气和坚持去面对
那，这次我，做出了面对的选择
我不知道我的选择是不是对的，或是最好的
但我不会后悔的

接下来的路，一边走，一边铺
经历了许多事之后，要开始新的旅程了
机会是留给准备好的人
没准备好，就没机会了
只要有一线的机会，就有希望

Salzburg 4/6/15-7/6/15

I Always thought of writing about my trip, but end up too lazy to be bothered about it. Since now there is stable wifi, I will then take this opportunity to write about my experience for the past 4 days.

It is my 1st solo trip to Europe, to a country that I am not familiar with & find it very very hard to communicate. As expected, these few days had never been smooth. After attending a friend's birthday party the day before traveling, only manage to get 2 hours of sleep after overload of alcohol.

Day 1,

Smooth progress all the way till Salzburg airport, then was the first unfortunate event. I trusted google maps, so I just followed its instruction to change at town (Mirabellplatz) to my accommodation which was miles away. Suppose to take bus 170, but I was half a minute late, so it went off in front of me. Fine, just wait for half an hour then. But after 1 hour, the bus stil haven't arrive. Starving at the bus stop, started to suspect it was a public holiday. After an hour of waiting, finally the bus came, but the driver told me that the bus is not going there today. I am like WTF... He suggested me to take bus 3. Ok fine, waited another 10 minutes for bus 3. Then bus 3 also don't go that far because is a public holiday. OMG. So the bus driver dropped me halfway, then I walked like half an hr to get to this hostel.

This hostel, can't really find it at first. I wasn't expecting that it is inside a park. Lol. After that I knew it is a jungle hostel, really gg. Everytime use wifi need to re-login, not enough charge point to charge my phone. Ughhhh.. Worst idea.

Tried schnitzel & beer at a beer garden nearby. Pretty nice food for the start of my life in Salzburg. Met this Korean guy that slept beside me. We chatted a lot about travel and life. He was very friendly and told me what to do in Salzburg. Sadly he left the day after.

Day 2,

Started to travel in Salzburg Old Town. Decided not to take the Salzburg card because I was already quite broke although is actually quite a good deal. Met this pair of uncle & aunty in the Dom (Cathedral) & they asked me to take a picture for them. Then they are amazed that I can speak in Mandarin pretty well. Of course lol. I am so Chinese haha! As usual, had to explain why I know Mandarin & I am not Malay etc etc... But I am pretty glad that I helped them. Yay

Walked around Mozart birthplace & everything else related to Mozart.

Oh well is where Mozart was born so the touristy place are all related to Mozart. Hiked up to the castle, but never pay to get in. Anyway, got the amazing view of the Salzburg city from top, which I think is pretty cool.

Finished quite early, nothing much to do before lunch. Therefore, decided to walk around Mirabel Palace Garden. It is quite a pretty garden, but there is probably nothing much to see besides flowers & trees. Had some toasted sandwich for lunch at Cafe Bazar. Nothing to do after that, so went & try another local cuisine, Salzburger Nockerln. The portion was a bit big for me but generally is a nice thing to try. The raspberry sauce was pretty nicely matched with the dessert made from egg & flour. 

Joined the Sound of Music bicycle tour. I wished I had watch the movie, then it will definitely be the best tour. Anyway the cycling part is my favourite. I haven't been cycling for a few years & definitely enjoy cycling through paddy fields, parks, along the lake etc.

Solo mid for a huge pizza in an Italian restaurant recommended by the tourguide. The waiter accidentally banged my glass of coke & the whole glass shattered on the floor. In the end, manage to get 1 new glass of coke but it was definitely an unfortunate event. By the way, pizza with anchovies is pretty salty lol.

Reached back hostel at 10pm. Everyone was sleeping already. I was forced to have my lights off, do everything soundly. Nothing can be done so, just slept frustratedly in the end. Selfish people.

Day 3,

Nothing much left to do, so just went for some souvenir shopping & try some food from the stalls. Tried another Vienesse cuisine, apfelstrudel. It is basically an apple pastry. Quite good, although I prefer apple over it haha.

Had my favourite bradwurst for lunch, since I will be heading to Germany afterwards. Good to be back.

Joined a 4 hours tour to salt mine and Berchtesgaden in Germany. I picked this over another day trip to Hallstatt, Austria probably just because I prefer salt mine over nice scenery that cost more. In the end, I think I made the right decision, the salt mine was pretty new for me. Meanwhile, the afternoon tea in Berchtesgaden has nothing to do with me because I don't really want to spend at tearooms again. Had a random chat with a German bus driver while waiting. He can't really speak English but was trying very hard to speak with me, nice guy.

Met a new friend from Macau today. He is an exchange student in Paris so I showed my broken Cantonese skill. Haha! I was complaining to him about the wifi, & on that night the wifi really cannot work. So, uncivilized for a night, but the reward is I finally finished one my book. Yay!

Day 4,

Left to Vienna westbf from Salzburg hbf... More to come. Sorry for the long-winded post, just want to remind myself about the trip.

停不下来

可能考试过后是应该好好休息的
说老实话，到现在其实没什么真正休息到
一开始，其实是不想休息
觉得停下来了就很难再冲线
现在呢，是想休息可是无法停下
太多事发生着
脑子也一直在转动着，思考着
真的没办法停下来

太爱钻牛角尖
不知道是好事还是坏事
翻过了高墙之后，找了更高的墙来爬
也因为这样，跌下来的次数越来越多
很多人眼中的我
对我来说是太高估了我
那个是以前的我
而现在的我，是在浪潮打过来时
挣扎拼命的只想游上岸
反差很大，但那就是这样的一个我

未来的一个月，对我的人生会造成一个不小的影响
不到有结果的一天
我想我是无法平静下来的
当然，有了结果之后
也还有很多事情要去处理
暂时也没有心思去想其他的事
只想先度过这一切再说

明天，给自己加油

自私无用

最近比较时常写，可能刚好比较有时间吧
过了那么久了，说真的，我还不太敢让自己松懈下来
可能觉得老了，可是还是有太多东西不会吧
对于网上游戏，我已经不太有兴趣了
甚至，我还越来越讨厌它
为什么呢？
很多人因为它，失去了自己的灵魂
我身边就有许多例子

在这里住了两年，我只知道，我真的住不下去了
虽然还剩下差不多一个月，说真的实在是到无法容忍的地步了
我问我自己，为什么
为什么我不能够再通融一点
为什么我不能继续睁一只眼闭一只眼
为什么我要那么计较
因为，我不能再这样下去了

我并不觉得我的要求很过分
我只希望能够住在一个比较干净的屋檐下
有那么难吗？
为什么你们有时间玩网上游戏，却没时间把垃圾倒一倒？
为什么你们看到垃圾满了，不会把垃圾袋换一换，请问你们是盲了吗？
为什么永远要处理的人都是我，而不是你们？
为什么连还钱也是我先还，过后要你们把钱还我的时候又不知道要问多少次？
对不起，我无法释怀
我不希望和你们一样自私

跟你们住在一起，我好累
有好几次我都非常想撕破脸了
我不知道我应该珍惜什么
说真的，我下个星期就离开也应该要感谢你们
因为我不想继续呆在这个屋檐下
我希望我的脑袋里不是一直都要想我的银行户口够不够钱还这些杂费
我希望我可以不用每个星期把垃圾还是环保的清理一下
我希望的，是对这些家务事的一些解脱
你们不是我家人，不是我女朋友
对不起，你们不值得我为你们做这一切
一点都不值得

无论如何，永远都不会想和你们一样
既然大家注重的东西不一样
这之后，希望好聚好散
我不能改变你们
唯一能做的，就是改变自己

感谢你们

差不多是时候离开了
所以最近也忙着收拾东西
无意中呢，看到了我收集的卡片和名信片
就拿来看看一下
只能说，有些事太久没去想，好像还真的忘了

忘了我们以前五年级的时候是坐隔壁的
还曾经在考试中讨论答案哈哈！
没办法，实在是太熟了，就不会去想太多以前的事
说真的其实6年级过后就没和你同校过
能熟到这个程度还真的是非常值得珍惜的缘分

也好像忘了我和他是在佛堂认识的
前阵子走了很长远的路的时候想起了他
在我眼中是永远的体育强者
以前常常一起赛跑
也记得6年级班级足球赛时你在一分钟就进球
无论到何时，我相信你还是很强的一个朋友

也好像忘了我爱上一个人最久是4年
可能小时候比较痴情喜欢比较久哈哈
可惜现在虽然还是在同一个国家
可是就不太时常联络了吧
我倒是不会忘记在瑞士和你一起吃饭时
我还把你的那份也吃了哈哈！
肚子饿的时候还真好意思

两年前，其实已经说了要去香港找你们
可是到现在，都还没去哈哈
近期去的机会也不是很大
我还记得你们两位大姐是最时常陪我吃早餐的
因为其他人都迟醒没去吃早餐
其中一个还曾经帮我修改我的报告中的语病
说真的我还是非常想去香港找你们的
安排到的话，一定会过去的

我去年会比较多外出，其实大部分是因为你
记得刚认识你的时候你太认真了
可能是被我感化之后也慢慢的像是个正常人了哈哈
记得去年有一段时间晚上还时常一起去图书馆温书
你就像我的大姐吧，或者就像是家人
因为相处的时候不用怕尴尬，不用怕会有爱情的因素在里面
所以一直关系都非常好
今年你不在这里了，正在为事业努力打拼
能够看到你往自己的目标前进，很为你感到开心
谢谢你之前那么照顾我，尤其是我第一年来什么都不懂的时候

其实，记忆力并没有很好
有些事，不想忘记
所以有些时候，会去想起这些值得珍惜的事
我想，真正精彩的是有故事的人，是对的
我很感谢有你们，填满了我生活中很多的空缺
其实真正重要的，是有你们一直挺我让我一路就这样走过来
而不是自身的虚荣
如果记忆是能够被控制的，我一定不会忘了你们

Cleveland Way

As planned, did a walk from Scarborough from Whitby today. Walked the Cleveland Way (Walk already might become clever). Suppose to depart at 8.30am, but ended up delay for half an hour. Google stated the walk should last about 6.5 hours. So I just casually assume that it will takes 8 hours for myself. ( Obviously physically I am not that good).

Started my walk, walk for about 1.5 hours already, still can see Scarborough castle. Oh gosh, just hope I won't see it soon, damn annoying. Never expect to walk through the Yorkshire Moors National Park as well. then suddenly I have to past through it. Don't you think it is a bit weird? Imagine in Malaysia you walk your own inside Taman Negara... Later I got attacked by Orang Utan lol. Luckily UK don't have orang utan. Oh well, ended up walked past the National Park safely without encountering any animals.

Reach Ravenscar at about 1pm, saw a Tea Room signboard. Straightaway turned & went. Had a quick lunch of sandwiches, drank 2 cups of apple juice as well. Then continue my walk to Robin Hood's Bay.

Robin Hood's Bay town

Seaside award 2015?? Interesting

Too sunny & hot there so decided not to stay there too long. Then just left the last part of my trip already. Walk to Whitby. Expected 2 hours walk since I left Robin Hood's Bay at about 330pm. Unfortunately, took longer than that. Mistaken a lot of places as Whitby haha, & my energy already dropped to minimum by then, so kind of dragging myself forward, while humming songs. 

End of trip. Got jacket become no jacket. No sunglasses become got sunglasses. LOL. Completed my own challenge to myself, no regrets. 

迷茫

暂时算是可以松口气了吧
现在只是等待结果而已
我想这些日子的锻炼给我带来了不少的改变
或许会成功，或许会失败
但无论怎样都好，
学到了该坚持的东西就应该去坚持
学到了有些东西不放弃的话是可以去突破的
没有遗憾的话就好

看不见未来，希望这样的情况能够在一个月之后解除
现在能做的，就是为看不见的未来准备
可能需要停下来，重新调整一下自己
还有很多东西要学，希望这段时间能学多少是多少

如果还有机会念书的话
希望自己可以更加好的应对
学无止境
如果工作的话，有时间可能就读一下夜校吧
现在，就倒数计时在这里的日子吧！

走不到终点

终于还是跌下来了
没想到我也会有这样的一天
哈哈！自己变成了自己的笑柄
我想有些事就是注定要发生的
尽力了就好了
那接下来可能会是非常艰苦的时期
无论如何
只要活着，就有机会

努力了那么久，那么多年了
难免还是会觉得有些伤感
可是我想没关系啦，看开一点就好了
失败了没关系，精神还在还是有路可走的
考完试之后，会好好准备
怎么去面对接下来的考验

可能命运不是最好的编剧
但失败就是失败
不需要任何理由来衬托
如果有机会，会一次过把失去的拿回来
加油

想法转变

走了那么久，那么远了

慢慢的，方向开始不同了

有些事情，或许需要失败之后才能明了的吧

非常感谢那些挫折失败

让我知道，其实成功与否已经不重要了

没什么好输了，所以比较不会害怕

但不代表就可以得过且过

该有的坚持还是要有，没到最后一刻是不能放弃的

就算最后会失败，可能也会难过

但正确的态度是一定要有的

最近慢慢开始沉淀了下来

身上的注意力比较少了，我想是好事

压力也少了些，烦恼也少了些

我并不觉得我会被遗忘，而且我也不想做焦点

感觉非常尴尬

就像当全部人瞪着你的时候眼睛是不懂要看哪里的感觉

所以现在这样做我自己我想是最好的选择

喜欢啰嗦，没人理

我倒挺无所谓的

会继续把所有要啰嗦的事写在这里

无论现在面对的是什么

想法上一定要不断的进步成熟

那样才能面对未来所有的挑战

无论我最终在哪里，一定不会放弃的

第一天

昨晚差不多1点才睡，本来以为今天会睡不醒
结果闹钟730我720就醒来了
为什么呢？从噩梦中惊醒哈哈
其实第一天的考试，又是最难的先开始
会想起去年第一张也考很烂的画面
那果然这一次也是没做好
紧张，乱了，想不起
也不是说复习不够，只不过就那么刚好
失利了

本来以为回家之后会不开心午餐吃不下
那过后其实躺了一下，也没事
可能今年和去年心态上有些不一样吧
今年会比较平静一些
想发泄，但是没东西发泄哈哈
只是会想失败之后的计划

很多时候会想，为什么我努力了依然失败
很多时候我都不明白
那今天情况也是一样，可是也让我学到许多
虽然可能失败了目标没达到
计划也可能需要改变
但总是会有路的
我想只要不放弃，只要肯吃一些苦
路还是开着的

思考能力开始变得越来越慢
很多的一些改变，让我觉得需要一些新的方式来对待
我想失败是好的，也不会觉得不公平
反而我非常感谢这样的一个挫折
让我再次看看自己
不好的，差的，就改掉吧
虽然比别人慢，虽然可能还是会有许多失败在前面
但生活就是这样，需要去面对的
我相信，总有一天，会变好的

接下来还有一些考试，会尽力的

迷茫的前方

再过差不多两个星期就考完试了

不知道期待与否

毕竟无论结果是怎样我还是会离开这个地方

说真的，这次准备非常不充足

但几天后还是需要开始面对的

不知道接下来会发生什么事

只知道应该会很忙

迷茫在于无法确定很多事

虽然对于未来的计划

已经算是彩排过无数次

但终究无法确定什么

我想这是生命中的一个重要过程吧！

没有捷径没有弯路可走一定要通过的

来的时候，就面对吧

压力是正常的

适当的压力会让自己前进

让自己去面对一些自己不想面对的事

除了面对考试之余

我依然在寻找着

那份对于生活的热忱

希望之后这样的热忱

能让我每天早上会想醒来

也会让我变得更积极和有纪律

坚持

其实我一直以来不太明白如何坚持，

或者说，我坚持住的东西太少

现在温习备战考试也一样，总是坚持不了

因为不适应，所以一下子就放松了

我问我自己，怎样才能够坚持

我想，我也开始慢慢坚持着一些东西了

一直以来最大的问题其实就是看书

因为懒惰，所以不喜欢看书

就算喜欢也很难坚持，看了一下就累

以前是这样吧

可是现在坚持每天看书，还真的是把看书的习惯培养了起来

因为我答应了一个人，说我一定会养成看书的习惯

除非真的累到不行吧，不然每晚睡前都会看几页才睡

有的时候想偷懒，但我想答应的就该去做

我想，我成功了

慢慢也开始培养了兴趣

也看到自己是能够坚持的

或许还是看得很慢，但是我会坚持下去

最近也开始慢慢坚持着一些新的事

我不知道这些坚持会换来什么，当然那也不是最重要的东西

这却让我看到有些事自己也能做到

可能比较慢，可能会辛苦一些

但我相信我会慢慢进步的

我会做得更好

梦想与努力

想，想，想
很多时候会想，不一般的人的想法是怎样的呢？
虽然不想抄袭别人的脚步，
但就像学习知识一样，学了然后运用在自己身上
只不过这是学习思维方式，然后增强自己

其实一直以来对黄晓明没什么兴趣
但今天看了他的讲说，却让我学习了很多
他说自己不聪明，英文烂，似乎跟我就是绝配哈哈！
但是他也说人可以不聪明，但是不能不努力，
我想是对的。
之前刘德华也说很多人说他歌唱得不好，
但批评他歌声的人却被他努力的精神打动。
我想，其实输赢好坏似乎已经不是最重要的了，
或许常识也不是我最想学习的东西，
能够学习这些很珍贵的思维方式，能够好好的运用，
能够呈现出自己，我想才是最重要的。

以前总是会有那种想法，
就是努力了为什么还得不到，
为什么还是比别人差。
其实这个问题似乎是没有固定的答案的，
因为应该没人知道为什么。
努力不一定会有回报，但不努力就真的是投降了。
无论有没有比别人聪明，或有没有比别人幸运，
我还是需要努力，再更努力

我想，梦想不一定是要赚很多钱，要住大房子，开名车
那样我会变得很贪心
梦想也不是要安居乐业，向往天天享受的日子
那样我会变得懒惰
我一直以来不知道我的梦想是什么
但是我想我知道了
我的梦想在于培养正确的生活态度
可能之中会遇到许多的困难，也可能不会很有钱
但我想，有了正确的态度
生存下去是没有问题的。
甚至，我也觉得成功是可以达到的

Where I belong

3 years ago, I was just a fresher
From attending pre-departure,
till became a sport officer,
became a VP,
led the most challenging event in my life, NXR,
stepped down.
2 months later, is my turn to say goodbye,
what a contrast that is.

This society is always deep in my heart,
I love it, a lot.
When I was about to give up,
it was the love, and the people,
that let me understand what is perseverance.
Things that seem to be impossible,
ended up well.
I would not say it is a miracle,
but it was teamwork that did it.

However, people started to let it go.
This year didn't go as well,
& it seem to deteriorate continuously.
I was speechless, & probably in despair,
probably because I care about them so much.
Although now it doesn't look too good either,
but I believe, it will be good soon.

They are my family, always.
I will be leaving,
but I will do my best, to be back,
to see you guys again,
& the person that I care about.

I belong here, always.

走下去

走了好久，依然还在走着
很多时候会问自己，是什么让我一直走下去
其实我一直都不知道为什么
或者可以说，这个原因随着时间在不断的变化
情况不同，状态不同
有的时候真的是需要一个适应期
以前觉得，身边的支持是力量的泉源
可是走远了之后，力量没了，反而感到失落
甚至因为这样的一个原因，变成一种压力
背负着很多人的期望，很累

或许我是幸运的，
但运气不会总是在我身上
在我身上的运气其实都是别人嫉妒的眼光
与我交换角度后，或许就会有人明白了
觉得能把我看清楚的，你的把握又是多少呢？

我想，有些事情，需要时间的磨练吧
最重要的是，现在开始对得起自己，就好了
可能我哪一天会跌倒，会受伤
但我始终会站起来
我想这些东西也不是很难，也不是天才才能做到的
只是看自己想不想带出这样的一个态度吧

Self-searching

There's time, when I do not know what I want.

Out of a sudden, the road in front seem to diverge

& they seem to be endless.

It keeps me down, low emotionally

& is affecting my progress in things.

Do I aimlessly just want to secure a second upper?

I do not know.

Definitely have to work extra hard, to confirm that I get what I need to.

Or else, probably will have nights to worry about the outcome.

It's crucial, it's a one way path.

I can only move forward, I have to run,

is like in a maze, where I would have been eaten by the monster if I couldn't escape in time.

What if I can't? What if?

Devastating? Disastrous?

I do not know.

Sometimes I just have to put all the eggs in a basket,

& have to succeed.

I really can't confirm where will I be, in a few months time.

Trying to minimize the false hope, 

trying to be logical,

trying to avoid unnecessary attention,

trying to give myself some space.

To breathe, to escape from people's assumption on my success or failure.

If I fail, is it really unlucky? Or actually it is my own fault.

Will you be dare to point it out if it is? 

Or will you judge me solely based on your assumption?

If I succeed, is it because I am lucky? Or is it because I am smart? Or is it because I worked hard?

Will you be able to understand? What am I going through?

Or you will just push me to a dead end & force my outburst?

Is hard, to bare with certain things.

To prevent overreacting, is probably best to stay in this unclear state.

I am always finding myself.

Maybe I am still lost in the forest,

but I will definitely find my way out.

Soon.

When the target is clear,

I will know what I need to do next.

& that will be when I found myself. 

F&F7

There is never a time, in my life,

that I feel strongly about writing a post of a movie.

For the first time, I could not wait to watch the movie,

& I watched it straight after it was released in the UK last Friday.

It never disappoint me, definitely.

It is, Fast and Furious 7

I am never a Paul Walker fan, until he pass away last December.

Is not that I do not like him, is just that I really like Toretto instead of Brian.

Before the movie started, I wished I do not expect too much, that might lead to a disappointment.
It happened a few weeks ago when I watched Divergent.

It is good enough, just that I probably expected too much from it.

But this, F&F7, is just amazing for me.

It is the best tribute to Paul. I swear.

Nothing could be better than this in my opinion.

If I could rate this movie on the scale from 1 to 10,

I will give it a 10, or even more.

Am still in this F&F7 craze after watching it,

keep replaying the soundtrack of the movie for a few days.

Hardly any movie touch my heart that deep nowadays,

but this, is just amazing.

& this, is probably the most suitable song

for everyone to remember Paul

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aIo2dlGMvY

The brotherhood theme

Toretto: I don't have friends, I have family.

No worries, no spoiler definitely. :D

Look forward to F&F8.  

穿越时代

刚刚看回了一些从小到大的回忆

其实很多的时候我都不是回忆里的主角，但总是特别深刻的

长大了，身边的人越来越少

大家都朝着自己的理想前进去了

时间改变了我们

越来越多的恶性竞争，勾心斗角

发生在这些曾经在我身边的人的身上

感慨，有时更是无法理解的

但庆幸的是，这些并没怎么影响到我

因为，计较真的很累吧

更因为，我想要去珍惜

放得下的，那就放下吧

过了那么多年，之前放不下的放下了

之前放下了的，反而现在拿了起来

因为，清晰了

现在的转变在于，不再需要被关注被认可了

追求想要的梦想，就好

登山记

说真的，还是第一次真正爬山

这次挑战自己，要爬就爬最高的。Scafell Pike, 978 metres.

一早醒来吃了早餐就搭巴士出发。到了一个几乎没人的地方，可能因为搭最早的巴士吧，所以到了没人。糊里糊涂的绕来绕去，还好遇到一个人问一下路。结果就走了20分钟，终于到山脚了。开始爬山！

拿着地图跟着走，完全不知道哪条路是对的。还好遇到一个友善的登山客，年轻有力的，麻烦他带路一点点哈哈！走着走着其实也就累了。走了大概20分钟其实脚开始酸了，开始累了。这一天又不知道为什么那么晒，流着汗，一步步往上走。其实又走又爬了大概2个小时半之后，几乎是没什么力气了。看不见山顶，不知道是哪座山，因为还要跨过几座山才可以到。说穿了，有一瞬间是蛮想放弃的。但是既然到一半了，那就继续走下去吧！

前路茫茫，根本不知道几时会到

石头山，真的是特别难行

有冰有雪，加剧了危险和困难

4个小时，终于还是爬到山顶了。到的时候，其实感觉很棒，很爽。坚持，就是为了要达到山顶。其实这样的锻炼是非常难得的，对于身心来说都是一个很珍贵的体验，也是一个很好的学习。积极，坚持，尽力，就可以了。

做到了！YAY!

这次和佩雯表姐一起登山，真的非常开心。难得她过来陪我，其实我一直都是非常的感恩。在这里能够有人过来找我陪我的机会不是很多，所以真的非常珍惜。她其实真的很厉害的，登山速度跟我其实差不多，有时甚至比我更熟练。打从心底是十分的佩服的。

啃了面包就立刻下山了。第一是因为山上太冷，好像是1度而已。第二是因为要赶在太阳下山之前走到山脚。问了路就匆匆的走了。结果下山一个小时之后，再次问路时，发现走错路了。惨了，看看时间，3.30pm了。太阳下山之前一定是走不回去了，那也不可能半夜还在山里走那太危险了。其实那个时候并没有想象中的特别慌张，这次来说还是挺淡定的。最后的决定，就继续走下山吧，看能够到哪个小镇。

结果大概4.30pm，就真的走到了山下，走到了一个叫做Wasdale Head的地方。最好的选择是走路4个小时回家。可是如果真的走就真的是走到天黑了还在深山里。身为男生真的是需要保护好女生的，那肯定不选这个。不然就住在那里一晚明天再走回去。这也不太好，能够冲凉睡觉可是没衣服换，很尴尬。那最后的选择，就是坐90分钟的taxi回去。那当然最后也是选择了这个。100磅，其实当然很贵，也很不想给。但是其实司机说的没错的，如果100磅能够换来安全，是看自己愿不愿意兑换。其实身上还不够钱的当时，可是就真的是愿意走这一步。我相信应该特别多人不会谅解我，但是就没关系吧。钱，赚得回。安全，失去了就无法回头，你是否会和我做出一样的决定呢？

第一次失踪，在UK，也是好事。有了这次的经历，其实对于事情的应对能力会更加的好。至少，我依然能够在这里，就够了。

两天后，第一次做蛋糕。选择了Strawberry cheesecake。其实真正的理由是因为觉得Lucas会喜欢。毕竟他不大喜欢巧克力和咖啡，所以就尝试了这个。说真的，我也不知道为什么我会做，但就是想做，那就去做吧。结果还真的是不错的。

Strawberry cheesecake :D

我做到了。我其实也承诺过我一定会做蛋糕，那真的是实现了承诺。我告诉自己，我成功了！来日继续加油！

生日快乐啦！

和表姐一起准备的晚餐（Butter chicken strips, asam prawns with vege)

佩雯表姐，谢谢你为我准备的pancake早餐。你很用心，也真的很好吃。谢谢！

今天妈妈说，她昨晚吃饭时担心我，担心我会不会顺利毕业。其实最近我都比较少太过仔细的提到我的课业。我是特意那么做的，对不起。我一直都有在努力做我应该做的事，我这样少说其实是要减轻自己的压力，也不让家人太担心。诚实的说，我无法保证我是否会成功，但是我一定会尽全力去做好。成功或者失败，虽然是一线之间，虽然像是被枪口对着那样失败了就被击毙，但我会做到的是，没有遗憾。妈，我爱你。我会努力的。

14/03/15 SUN vs AVL

Finally, got the chance to witness the 2nd football match in my life. Sunderland AFC vs Aston Villa FC. Doesn't sound very impressive. Oh well, for crazy football fans like me, any BPL match is nice to watch.

1st time to Stadium of Light, Sunderland

Villa's keepers Guzan & Given doing light training

While waiting for the match to start, might as well

The Black Cat

Wooh! Finally starting 

Sunderland fans so onz

Kick-off 

Ok back to narrative session. After waiting in the cold for about 45 minutes, the match started. Before that, browsing Sunderland AFC's Twitter, manager Poyet said in the press conference that the team will perform their best for the home fans. Sounds steady.

The first 10 minutes, Sunderland players all very onz, kept attacking although never score, but was great effort. Suddenly, at the 16th minute, a simple pass into the box not intercepted, Benteke applied a cool finish. 1-0 Aston Villa. Pantilimon stood there watching the ball went into the back of the net.

2 minutes later, Agbonlahor dashed past every Sunderland players from the side, plus O'Shea's miss header, dashed into the penalty box, simple finish. 2-0. Sunderland players stunned.

Around 37th minute, Agbonlahor again, solo mid. Dribbled past everyone, & shot. Walao no eyes see already. 3-0 down. The crowd were so unhappy & hooting. To be very honest, did not think that they could make a comeback. 

Before half-time, Benteke scored again. An outstanding header. Sunderland 0-4 down. At home. At this moment, comeback was definitely impossible. Even worse, half of the fans left. Such a disappointing performance from the home team. I totally have no idea why they are not closing down the opponents, at least put in some effort instead of playing in a lacklustre way.

2nd half, after kick-off. Eh? Why Sunderland only got 10 players on the field?? I was very sure nobody was sent off. Weird. Then 3 minutes later, Larsson appear at the sidelines. Wtf. Lose already then play with 10 men also ok la? @@ Is this a joke??

Nothing special in the 2nd half. Defoe nearly scored 1, great chance, hit the post. Alamak! Really poor effort from Sunderland. Speechless after the match. It is great that I was able to witness 4 goals, but this match is totally not competitive due to the terrible performance from one team.

This marked the end of my 2nd live football match. Few days later, Poyet was sacked. Hopefully Sunderland AFC will improve sometime soon.

潮起潮落

人生嘛，就是有潮起潮落。其实这种东西很难去控制，很难去避免的。那到来的时候呢，应该怎么去应对才是最好的选择呢？

其实最近几个星期那个心态都调整得非常不错。只不过到了昨天就开始觉得心态不是很对。对待事情的态度变得马马虎虎，也因为很多的小事，脾气暴躁了一些。其实说真的，能够有情绪是幸福的。那证明了自己有多么在乎那些值得生气的东西，证明自己非常渴望进步渴望努力。一旦因为习惯而冷漠应对的时候，那就真的是太糟糕了。

没有人能够每一天都有好的状态。那我也一样。昨天就真的是完全失去状态。打球也一样完全是不在状态一直输一直主动打出界。其实让我回想到了前几个月的那一场失利，剧情几乎也一模一样。就是不能适应，所以就一塌糊涂。适应能力是需要去提升的，在生活中也一样。不能适应只是一个过程，而不代表着失败，不代表着永远都无法克服。

放弃了一些东西，也放下了一些东西。这些日子的历练，确实让我在思维上有更多新的想法。或许前面还是烟雾蒙蒙根本看不清前面的路是怎么走的，但是当心里有底气心态摆正之后，其实就已经知道怎么去应对了。

全英赛2015

终于，等到了这一天。一直以来其实都是非常非常的期待，终于到来了。虽然没看到我想看到的球员们，但其实还是非常享受。毕竟羽毛球就像我的生命一样吧，一直都在。

第一场球，张楠&赵芸蕾，算是轻而易举的就夺得了冠军。其实赵芸蕾真的打得非常的出色，看了也就特别喜欢。其实一直以来她的实力真的是有目共睹，所以真的非常的佩服。

热身阶段

第二场，Carolina Marin vs Saina Nehwal。我其实是支持印度的，可是Carolina体力和速度真的太好了，第二场末端Saina其实已经是不太跟得上了。其实很多时候会让我想到，应该怎样应对这些力气和体力比较好的球员。打法上其实需要有很多的变化，所以真的不容易啊。不过比赛真的非常精彩，也恭喜Carolina为西班牙夺得了一面金牌。

第三场，谌龙vs Jan Jorgensen。第一局Jorgensen打得非常非常的让人敬佩。第二局其实也是，只不过就谌龙更胜一筹所以扳回一局。第三局就Jorgensen体力下降所以真的没办法了。又是一场非常精彩的比赛，很多不可能的球都被救回来，双方技战术都表现得非常好。

Chen Long vs Jan Jorgensen

谌龙飞身扑球

领奖台上挥手示意

第四场，女双，中国队内战。当然其实就比较少人看。很多人都就暂时出去休息吧！所以我也比较有机会就溜去了比较近的位子，就想近距离的看吧！当然也不会太过长时间。最终就包宜鑫和唐渊渟第一次夺得了全英赛女双冠军。年轻的冠军又再次诞生了。

第五场，男双，Boe & Mogensen vs Zhang Nan & Fu Hai Feng。说穿了这场球我一直都认为是丹麦会胜出，毕竟中国队算是新组合，而丹麦的更显得稳定一些。最后当然也就是丹麦组合胜出。

男双决赛

我其实并没看完，看了第一局我就离开。其实如果是两三年前说不定我是100％不会在看完之前离开，因为就对羽毛球的热爱真的是非常的深到无法形容。那这次为什么会做出这样对很多人来说不可理解的举动是因为，我知道什么是我比较注重的。我比较注重给我煮晚餐的好友，还有陪我吃晚餐的朋友们。到这个阶段其实有没有看完已经不是那么重要了。我非常的满足，也非常的开心能够做出这样的决定。

其实一整天我都是为在场上打球的每一位运动员打气。看了10多年的羽球，其实谁输谁赢似乎变得越来越不重要了。更多的是欣赏着这项运动的优美，的激情。它让我知道，我不愿有那么一天我需要放下球拍。希望明年能够再来看比赛。

Change

Things changes as life goes on. This is a fact which is unimportant when life goes well but is hard to swallow when you have to accept the changes in life. Adapting to the change is not easy, but sometimes you just have no choice but to adapt as quickly as possible.

There is no turning back. Instead of remaining stagnant, the only way to move out of this imaginary box is to work hard and move forward. I know that, but is hard to implement. I appreciate the challenges & hurdles that provide me opportunities to grow, but sometimes I just need a break.

I probably changed, to a stranger for most people. It is probably an ordinary process, that prepare myself better to face the obstacles in the future. My apologies for being a stranger, but I don't think it is a bad one. I am still working towards my aim, just that I present it in a different way.

Trivial? Non-trivial?

Have a friend, that once told me, I care about trivial, petty stuffs that others don't usually care.
I always thought it is a good thing.
But at some point, I don't really think so anymore.
Why would I care, if others don't?
That's the question I had asked myself more than a thousand times. (I guess)
& I still don't have the answer.

Seeing things differently, is just who I am.
If you are shit, then I don't want to be the same shit as you.
That's what I always tell myself.
For certain things, I care more than any people I know will do.
Sometimes is on myself, sometimes is just my principle.

I don't give a shit on some unnecessary rules and regulations,
but the thing that I am giving my best on, is keeping my promises.
I never intend to break my promises.
I never intend to forget something that I shouldn't forget.
& when I do, I accept my mistake, solve it, & move on.

People don't always take me seriously.
You see the true colours of someone when you are with that person long enough.
Promise made, and is broken, and is over and over again.
Just like and endless stream.

There is no definite line between trivial and non-trivial,
but I just hope that people care about things around them more.
I don't get anything when I do certain things,
but I will still do it.

I used to enjoy attention, from people around me.
But as time goes, I don't, anymore.
You can clearly see, who cares about you most.
& who understands you most.
I still like to have attention from people that I care, I love
No matter what, this won't change.

模仿

有许许多多的人，特别喜欢模仿
我，或许曾经也是其中一个
从小，被灌输的，都是 “ 看人家多好，如果你像他就好...”
也因为这样，大家都开始喜欢复制

精算，是其中一个很多人都掉进去的圈套
包括我，也不例外
因为就是大家都向往的东西
赚很多钱，未来非常光明的一份工作
可惜最终却发觉，其实走别人走的路，自己不一定开心
机会再多，如果没心去赚，依然没钱
做自己不喜欢的工作，也不是好事
也因此，就偏离了这个轨道

一生人，也就只是活一次而已
现在，都是希望别留下遗憾
今天想做的就去完成，去努力
留到明天，也不知道有多少个明天，或者说也不知道还有没有明天
不再去模仿，而是开始走自己的路
或许会跌倒，受伤，失败，但是也都是值得的
那样才能够突破瓶颈，做很多人不愿意或不敢做的事情
曾经失去，现在也已经没什么好怕的
只怕太容易就放弃
只怕蹉跎了岁月
机会，是留给会把握的人
所以，我相信，我是有机会的

神化

这一篇的主题比较不一样
其实也是看了刘德华的演讲之后得到的启发
这其实就是关于很多人对我的看法
叫做神化

从小，聪明这个字总是离不开我
大家都会说：
“很厉害，很pandai咧，每次考试都那么多个A”
“你那么厉害，没问题的啦，考试sup sup sui 而已”
“哎呀，不用看都知道你一定拿A的啦”
小时候，每次遇到这种情况，其实也没有很开心，反而觉得特别尴尬
就不知道要回应什么吧，就都是给予一个微笑
到了现在，颜治业似乎还是一个被神化的人物
当你告诉别人，我不是非常聪明的人
他们会说：“你不聪明那我们算是什么？”
当你告诉别人，我只想做个普通人
他们会说：“你是有钱出国的人，可是就是不承认，喜欢装穷”
当你告诉别人，我努力却还是失败
他们会说：“你只是运气不好，或者对自己要求太高”
久而久之，我也累了

被神化为：聪明不需要特别努力也能考到好成绩的富家少爷
其实非常不喜欢这样的神化方式
但是自己又控制不了
无论多么努力想融入普通人的世界
还都是被说，装穷，装可怜，假假说自己笨而已
如果你真正了解我
请不要再用那样的眼光看我
我只是一个普通人
我也需要付出努力，去达到我的目标，去追逐我的梦想
我也有犯错，有在低谷的时候
我也有需要努力去面对克服挫折和失败的时候
请给我，一些呼吸的空间
请给我，一些失败的空间
请不要再神化我，我不是万能的
感恩

迈向2015

2014 即将过去
是个多灾多难，起伏很多，艰难的一年
其实很难相信就这样过去了
但是还是非常珍惜所有的体验和感受

2015
前面有一座大山要跨过
陡峭得让人畏惧，让人想放弃
所以新的一年，除了那些年年都一样得心愿
会增加了一些自己的梦想与希望

1. 学业，希望论文和其他科目都可以达到目标
2. 升学，希望最终能够继续升学
3. 健康，希望少点受伤生病
4. 性格，希望能够培养更多良好的心理素质
5. 爱好，希望能够培养看书的习惯

其余的，就随缘吧！

颜治业，会随着岁月而改变
而即将塑造的，就是一个更好的自己