达不到梦想，不是世界末日

“所有的梦想其实并不会
因为我的鼓励或因为五月天的歌
你听的很多
你的梦想就一定会变成真的”  －－－阿信

其实这个视频我重复了不少
我想我曾经是有很多梦想的一个人
但有很多时候，梦想不是说你想达到就能达到的
是，确实成功的人，他们的坚持成就了梦想
但其实失败的人，他们没达到梦想
不一定是他们不够坚持
有些事情，我想不能够这样就下定论的

我非常非常的感谢五月天
我想我大学3年能够坚持过来
主要还是靠着五月天的《倔强》走过来的
厉害吧？一首歌，可以让我度过那么多个困难的日子
现在其实我已经失去了非常非常多的热忱
我想我需要重新去听这一首歌
重新去找回那个对生活的热忱

是的，听很多五月天的歌
不会让我的梦想实现
这是一个需要接受的现实
我经历最多最多失败应该就是近几个月吧
可能接下来还会有更多更多的
但这个过程，是我非常珍惜的
在足球界，羽球界，音乐界发展的梦想没了怎么办？
进剑桥牛津这两家大学的梦想没了怎么办？
进世界上大投行失败了怎么办？

这些问题的答案其实很简单
“追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了” －－－周杰伦
但其实要放弃，要换一个梦想这样的一个过程是不简单的
毕竟有些事情，你坚持去做了很久
到最后，成功的果实不一定吃得到
现在的我其实已经准备再过几个月回家了
我的心态在这几个星期改变了很多
我已经可以接受一个梦想几乎破灭的现实
但是换成什么呢，我就还真的不知道了

今天走了一个多小时的路回家
自己临时决定的
走着路的时候，什么也没做
没有戴着耳机听音乐
就这样走着，看着身边经过许多人，很多车子
听着车声我其实觉得还挺好听的
看着人潮我觉得这个世界其实是非常美好的
呼吸着有一点冷的空气我觉得我好像从一个近乎要窒息的地方生存下来了
其实今天一整天过得并不好
但有些时候，当放下一切虚拟的荣华，放下虚拟的光环，放下虚拟的追求
会感受到不一样的世界，看到不一样的自己

我写这一些主要还是在提醒我自己
有些时候很多事情是可以变得更好的
逆境不一定是绝境
最近脾气暴躁压抑的我
写了这一些，经历了那么多
感觉好多了
希望这之后我能够往我心中的那份梦想前进

Study and work

Life recently is being more hectic than before. I guess life sucks sometimes. Bad news created lots of frustrations, but they also caused me to reflect on myself over and over again. I had been struggling with assignments and studies recently, not to mention the failure of securing a job. As time goes by, I realised I have gradually lost interest in studies. Maybe my brain is a bit too saturated, or maybe is the structure of the course that I dislike, maybe I am just tired. Anyway, I am definitely not going for a PhD and I will start the new phase of my life after this. It is probably the first time in life that I look forward to work compare to study. Hence, I am quite ready to leave education now, maybe also should be ready to leave this country.

Do not get me wrong, losing passion in rigid education system does not imply that I lost passion in learning new things. Although there are a lot of things to learn in universities, I would want to have a chance to explore in work life. I believe there are a lot more things to learn outside my current circle. I always aimed to work in an investment bank, there is no doubt on that. I tried, but eventually I failed. I admit that I am not good enough, but maybe in terms of willingness to contribute for the bank I might top quite a lot of the others. Oh well, this does not count anyway. I am at the edge of failing all that I have applied here, which made me quite disappointed and frustrated with myself as well. I certainly tried, but maybe I do not try hard enough. 

What's next? Got my first invitation for a chat/ interview from a company in Malaysia today. If everything goes well, I will be back in a few months time. I do not actually know which country or which decision is better. I did care about salary quite a lot last time, but now I did care about the UK because the financial system is way more developed compare to Malaysia. There are more things to learn here I have to admit, but my home country is certainly not bad either. I hope I can figure out which part of me that I would want to develop in the next stage of my life. Most importantly, I hope I enjoy what I will be doing. Meanwhile, time to focus on the current and then plan for the future later.

Bought an experience

I am fortunate about me still surviving at this time. I had been rethinking for the whole night regarding what happened & how I reacted. I would say I made the wrong decision.

Basically, around 8pm last night. I was leaving school for home. Suddenly, out of nowhere a self-claimed Pakistan guy approached me. He asked me for help by getting up his car & help him to push it because the car was running out of gas. It was dark, hardly people around, so I made the wrong decision & took the risk.

I got onto the car and he did what he promised to drove me a round to the front of my school from the back. He was "planning" to seek for help from other people. But then after he made a U-turn, I knew surely thing was going very wrong. He started to make his second move, which is to ask for money from me. Obviously he did not ask directly. He wanted to transfer money to my bank account, and then I withdraw the money for him. I was like " I don't think the money will reach my account today & I don't have 200 pounds in my account." He lowered the price tag until 95 pounds, then I told him " I am a poor dude I also borrow money from my friend." Then I took the remaining 20 pounds in my wallet & showed him my empty wallet. I was like " I only have 20 pounds, either u take it or not." (Actually I knew I have only 20 pounds in my wallet). I requested him to drop me off immediately although he offered to send me back to school, because as a person that is highly influenced by dramas, somehow will also doubt that he might put sleeping gas in the car. So he dropped me off & I pretended to leave calmly.

I told my close friends about it. Most of them are very kind & try to comfort me, but someone actually said that I am stupid to be cheated. I might be quite angry if some random not close friend told me, but since she is a very direct person I decided to take a few minutes to cool down and think about it. I admit that my decision was poor and will definitely endanger me, but at the time somehow I had the urge to take the risk, for some reason which I have yet to figure out. At the same time, I am glad that she made me to rethink about myself and I really think I am a stupid person. I probably did a lot of stupid things in life, and somehow this is the real me, which I do not intend to hide it. I do not think there is anything wrong with stupid. Lesson learnt, and move on.

Anyway I am glad that I am safe and sound. What an incident, but oh well, life goes on. It adds to the story of my life, and there are still a lot to experience & learn along the journey from now.

My future direction

Half a year here, half a year more I will be leaving this stage of my life. Where will I be heading to? That is actually a very good question. Indeed, a very good question since I started my journey here. My aim as usual, is to start my working life here. But sometimes things do not go according to plan. Maybe is the failure of execution, or maybe is the failure due to lack of awareness. I can't tell why it happens, but I can do tell that my hopes are considered as faded. I am just waiting for the outcome of my last few shots, still hope they might hit the target though.

Anyway, that's not really my main concern anymore. The reason I paused my applications is because after those experiences, I started reflecting on myself again. Why I am rejected? Why? Why people can get interviews and so many chances in top tier banks, but I don't? Am I not good enough? Am I not qualified enough? What skills do I lack of? How can I let my future employer to know that I'm the right person to employ? These questions just kept going round and round in my head, without any answers. If there is one thing that can request for, I will request for a detail feedback every single time.

At the same time, life moves on. The clock won't stop, and I certainly can't too. I tried to immerse myself more in studies, but I have been repelling new information most of the time as well. Maybe there is not enough capacity, or maybe I do need a break, to get back all the motivation and drive again. I need to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't forget why I decided to come here at the first place, and I need to fully utilised what I have now to improve myself, in terms of knowledge and also improve as a person.

I have been through what I desired until now mostly. From joining a not well-known secondary school, till a prestigious university here. I got the chance to study what I like (Physics & Maths), worked in an industry that I always aimed for (Insurance), and now I am studying a finance related subject. Maybe Psychology or Economics in the future? Who knows. Got the chance to live in different cities, got the chance to be independent, got the chance to do a face-to-face interview with one of the most well-known investment bank, what can I ask for more?

I hope my career path will be different from others as well. I am very certain that I want to go work in the banking industry at least at some point in my life, but I don't think I'm going to replicate the life of other bankers. I always want to be different. Success cannot be replicated, success can only be created. I always believe in this. Dropping apples on your head again won't let you to replicate the success of Newton, and if everyone can also play like Lionel Messi then he won't be special anymore. I believe I am always moving towards shaping myself into a special individual. When I look back next time, I will be glad that I never take the path commonly taken.

By now, where's my future? I believe is still in my hands.

学无止尽

谁不希望自己是聪明的人

谁不希望什么都能一百分

谁会希望自己又呆又傻又蠢

谁会愿意听到你真的好笨

有些事情就是这样的残忍

有些道路没有直通那扇门

有些游戏结果不一定要获胜

有些收获不在终点只在过程  —— 有用的人

从小就听这首歌

今天刚好就想起了

听着听着

其实更加的能够领悟很多事

我曾经也挺好胜的

什么都要做到最好得到最好

也因为这样迷茫了好久

追求着不属于我的东西

今天其实并不是一个好天

得牺牲自己的一些计划

虽说早已有了心理准备

但还是感到有些，可惜吧

“追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了”

说不定之后会有新的计划吧

也看了一部电影

Wall Street : Money Never Sleep

华尔街，老实说没有想过要在那里工作

一部分原因是因为太不实际了

还有就是，我不想被逼做一些我不想做的事

我常常在想，会不会有一天

我成了代罪羔羊

最近几乎所有的指数已经开始大跌

银行这行业的问题也实在是太多

我还要继续进入这个行业吗？

这个行业，股市这样的走势

还是理智的吗？

我也不知道

不过我希望总有一天我会明白

钱，是永远不会睡的

没错，非常实际的，我还是需要一份工作

我不需要自己一直都100分

我不需要自己可以outsmart其他人

我只希望我在做我喜欢，我想要的工作

我只希望我能够学到更多，更多

人生太短暂

希望能够有更多的时间学习更多

不只是怎么赚钱，还有怎么做人

寻寻觅觅

“你看过了许多美景
你看过了许多美女
你迷失在地图上每一道短暂的光阴
你品尝了夜的巴黎
你踏过下雪的北京
你收集书本里每一句你最爱的真理”  －陈绮贞 旅行的意义

有很多人说能够过来是幸运的
我其实也是这样认为的
今年第四年了
确实有的时候我也不知道我熟悉的地方在哪
过年过节的时候其实还是挺想家
其实应该说挺想见到很多平时没见到的人
今天看到中学的伙伴们大家聚在一起还是感觉挺开心的

在这里无比的幸运的另一件事就是旅行啦
这三月的三个星期假期
我是会出走的
去哪儿就先不在这说
不过呢，做这个决定也不是一件很快决定的事

很多人旅行就是为了要享受
对我来说旅行有着一些不同的意义
其实这也是从我自己出去走的时候体验到的
确实和平时一样，看到很多风景和美女
但不一样的是，是一个新体验，一个锻炼
也是一个离开太封闭的生活的一个机会
我需要去再次寻找我自己
去思考一下，为何我要活下去

有些事，可以改变的，就去改变
无法改变的，就去适应
然后在自己生命中加入一些自己喜欢的色彩
那就可以了，足够了

成绩单

初三
本来就不是那么顺利的一周
一大早又收到了我的第25封rejection email
感觉我对于申请工作已经处于放弃的状态
生了一场大病之后
这星期也才开始慢慢调整过来

昨天晚上在想
新年外婆做的菜一定好好吃
我一年，就回去看外公外婆一次
我一年，就只有一次的机会吃外婆煮的菜
有些事情，我希望不是一年只有一次
毕竟对我来说有些事情还是要好好珍惜的

今天出成绩了
4A
老实说一点开心的感觉都没有
觉得很庆幸，因为没有不及格
但也觉得很懊恼，为什么我没A+
没有很伤心，但就是如果要我不考那么好
也让我心服口服吧
算了，希望这学期就不要太差就好

好朋友有一个科目不及格
老实说，我有时也是不明白怎么搞的
我不是不明白她怎么搞
只是觉得，如果我当时就offer帮助她
说不定她就及格了
现在也只能帮助她其他科目顺利就好

可能我不觉得我自己可以很突出吧
所以与其就执着于成绩
倒不如拿学到的来帮助别人
说不定帮助别人考好我会比较开心

人生就是这样
有起有落
前面的门槛也越来越高
但我想有些时候总是需要一些突破
才有力气跨过更大的困难

The monkey new year

Gong Xi Fa Cai! The year of monkey should be a good year. I certainly hope so too!

Meanwhile, start with something not as great. A few months ago, made a decision which was not totally based on what I want. At some point, especially all the nights I had insomnia, I probably still regret about that decision. This leads to what I want to say now, received my 24th rejection today, 1st day of Chinese New Year. Well, doesn't sound too great. However, one of the most important reason is actually because it was from RBC. I actually secretly had higher hopes for RBC, because I actually hoped to transfer to Canada & be with you. That's the very ideal plan. Kind of purposely blanked my Christmas holidays as well, with the false hope that, what if you suddenly want to come & visit London. Things were not ideal and now I'm pretty much shattered in most of the things in life.

Life still moves on. You did, & so should I. Although there were times which I still miss you by a little, at least I am working hard to move on. I am probably a person who is less independent in terms of relationship, hence I tend to feel something is missing if my relationship status is single. Somehow things might change, and I am doing my best to divert all my attention into studies and probably work in the future. I hope this part of my life, would be filled at some point, and I certainly hope there is no more changes after this.

While analysing my own ability, based on my past assignments my analysis and prediction on the current market was pretty shit. Only manage to forecast one out of 6 correctly, which is probably very annoying. Hopefully I could understand about this industry more in the future and catch up with the pace of the lectures as well. I am always playing catch up, so probably need to change to gear 5 soon. 

New year new resolution? Hmmm.. I hope I will be more positive and take more initiative to increase the achievements in my life. Certainly, it is necessary to go on with an exponential learning growth curve. Last but not least, hopefully can graduate and manage to find a job that I am happy with. Not really about the salary, but about the job satisfaction. Not sure where will I be by the end of this year, hopefully I will be sure about my future soon. 

新年新开始

两天前的晚上
回到房间的时候其实觉得非常累了
本来想再看一下书就睡的
突然看到我桌上的kuih kapit
觉得，是不是应该分给大家吃一下
然后就准备了几份分给了大家
一开始有些紧张因为担心不合大家的胃口
结果还算是不错的
我本身也觉得挺开心

其实这场大病之后
步伐已经放得非常非常的慢
觉得其实生活中不应该只有工作和读书
是不应该只有，不是完全没有
有些事应该做的还是得要去做的
只不过会更加的珍惜身边一些平时忽略了的
休息是为了走更长的路
或许真的是对的

想要有一点点的时间
去好好思考一下未来的路应该怎么去走
可能再坚持了这个学期之后我会做这样的事
觉得有了一定的想法之后
心也比较能定下来
所以三月的假期肯定会离开这里

最近也已经开始完全放下了感情的事
之前还是有些纠结
那现在呢就真的是顺其自然了
只希望能够找到个工作
之后的事就再说吧

希望新的一年身边的人都能过平安健康快乐
2016会更好的
祝大家心想事成

为何害怕失败

“年轻人拥有最棒的武器
就是一无所有” －阿信

对，因为就是以为自己什么都有
所以就非常的害怕失败这两个字
一直在扯后腿的就是害怕
我从小到大拿到了多少个A
我是数学物理degree 2:1 毕业的
那又怎么样？

我害怕失败，因为我害怕我不能和之前一样
拿很多很多的A
但其实现在的我
除了这些虚有的光环
除了这些社会给我的肯定
我什么也没有
那为什么我怕失败呢？
失败了之后我还是一样，什么都没有
也没损失什么，对吗？

“当我和世界不一样
那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说就是以刚克刚
我如果对自己妥协
如果对自己说谎
即使别人原谅我也不能原谅” －《倔强》

其实从小到大
大家最害怕的就是和别人不一样
害怕脱离了所谓的轨道
可是从16岁开始的我
老是想着的都是
我应该怎么和别人不一样？
一模一样的人生，精彩吗？

独中和国中，选择了国中
美国和英国，选择了英国
精算和物理，选择了物理
伦敦和杜伦，选择了杜伦
你问我为什么
我只能说，我不要和很多人一样
我不要跟大家走着同样的路
虽然我最后可能会跌得惨重
但至少，我跌过，痛过
经历，还是值得的

对于自身的想法
我想说的是：怪异
我对很多事情都有我自己的看法
比如说敏感话题
同性恋双性恋还是普通的异性恋
佛教基督教天主教伊斯兰教或者无宗教
我想说的是，无论是哪个组合
起码还是需要给别人一个尊敬
而不是整天想着消灭任何一个

当巴黎出事的时候
social media就一大堆法国国旗
为什么伊朗，巴基斯坦，印尼，土耳其
没看到有人改profile picture或者tweet这些国家呢？
难道这些受到伤害的生命比较不珍贵吗？
非常有待思考的一个课题

有些新闻，本来很小
但是很多人就是很喜欢把小事化大
然后说他们是为了正义
为了让大家知道
难道这就是所谓的正义吗？
这样的举动，除了引起公愤，还能干嘛？
就像炒股炒房一样
人家说升你就买，人家说跌你就放
永远就是根据一些人家放出来的消息做决定
为什么不缓一缓，消化一下呢？

现实永远是残酷的
我无法改变这个世界怎么想
怎么看待事情
唯一能改变的
就是我自己

可能很多时候我写的东西都特别的无聊
但我希望把我对生命的领悟
在这个过程中迷失或返回正轨的经历
都分享给大家
都回馈给所有在我生命中
帮助过我，教导过我的人
也希望如果是有用的东西
能帮到身边所有的人

我
一无所有
只能用我的文字来感谢大家