Not gonna go down

Somehow this week doesn't end on a high, but is ok. Lesson learnt, maybe it is always supposed to be this way. The thing is, these things did bother me, but they will only make me wanna take them down in the future. I'm not a judge, hence I don't judge people. I believe I had did enough to position myself to where I am currently, but that's not the end of it.

I used to always keep my trump cards to ensure that I have enough to defend myself whenever I need it. But now, I will flash them whenever I can, and there's no turning back. Time to step up, because, is time to remove all the prejudice on me.

尝试，是唯一的出路

短短的几个星期又发生了很多事，最难忘的也就是上星期的车祸，开了那么多年的车终于还是碰到了。对于开车的方式我一直都特别坚持，但有许多原因造就了这一次的失误，或者可以说根本没来得及反应吧，还好一切都顺利的过去了。生活又重新开始。

尝试让自己更积极一些，希望每一天都能够学到一些新的知识。毕竟最近这段日子比较不忙，所以确实是有些松懈了。也为了之后的工作做准备吧，如果需要用上中文希望自己还是可以保持着一定的水平，毕竟工作上的事不能马虎。

忙碌之余，另一个需要管理的就是自己的钱财。我想其实这也是一门学问吧，平时尽量多存点也是希望自己能够应对之后的需求。暂时还没有任何思路的我，希望能够找到属于自己的管理风格。

希望工作上有新的工程。工作了差不多一年了，觉得自己还有很大的进步空间。位于低处时希望能够更好的完善自己，在高一点的位置时才更有底气。

我想困扰并不是一件坏事

Searching for new beliefs

Urge of writing...

Nothing religious here, but I do believe in myself mostly. Always trying to search for new perspective in life, figuring out how to be better. Maybe a bit arrogant, but I believe what I picked is what I want. I strongly believe what I want doesn't depend on what others want, there's zero correlation in that, hence now I don't give a fuck on what others think I should be doing.

Fairness is something that I don't give much attention on too. Being subjective, will say that people all view fairness differently, hence there's no fairness say in the end. Just some opinions, & if we don't agree, probably have to live with it. Hardly being jealous of others anymore due to my view on fairness.

Life can be simple. Life is complicated because certain people always over complicating things. Dramas created are basically wasting people's time, & end up not beneficial to anyone at all. But I do know that some people likes complicated life, can just go ahead as long as it doesn't affect me.

I don't think everyone should develop to be the same type of people. Life will be boring if that's the case. We were taught to follow what him or her did, but eventually we are all different and can only make reference of people's success instead of following blindly. Uniqueness is provided for a reason. Hence, I won't be the same kind as people expected I should be, & I believe different point of view always forms improvement.

Searching for new thoughts to develop myself more...

But the thoughts on top do hold for now. Independently...

重新启动

总是需要有一个调整的阶段

我觉得选择现在做这样的思考算是对的时间

为什么呢？

最近发生了太多的事，开始觉得身上带着太多的东西

考试过了，心里是微笑的

虽然确实没怎么在意几时会知道成绩

但知道之后其实心里还是松了一口气的

要不要继续考，其实纠结了蛮久

身边有很多人鼓励了我，是让我选择继续的原因

不是因为我身上会带着多一份证书

而是又有新的挑战，既然输得起，那就试试吧

工作那么久以来，还算是可以的

继续朝着自己的梦想前进

那梦想是什么呢？

永远要给予一个态度，那就是坚持

想把思维植入在自己所做的事情上面

那就是我，习惯于把其他人的精神搬过来自己用

很多短片，我看了无数次

歌手的经历，运动员的精神

都是塑造今天的我的关键

当然经历过那么多起伏之后

接下来最重要的就是放下

放下所有的光环，放下所有真真假假的赞许

放下心里因为经历多了点而少许骄傲的我

重新站在自己适合的位置，重新出发

有时候慢不一定是坏事

因为放慢的时候能够看到很多错过的事

有时候觉得，唉，怎么机会就这样被拿走了

那其实这就是命吧，总会把我拉回现实

而不是活在虚幻的梦当中

我会用我的方式

去做我这之后应该做的事

从来不认为自己应该成为红人

其实因为像我这些不红的人

才能让他人变成红人

才会让人看得出差别，对吗？

至少我现在还能够进入潜水模式

在海底隧道找寻不一样的经历

希望公平降临到他人身上

一整天的课程大部分都没听懂

开始觉得有太多需要改进的地方

因为起步还是比较慢，所以一直都是一个尽量提升的状态

但是确实是无法直线上升

其实身边的人也不是那么的顺心

有人也在经历着我那三个月的低潮

看了其实有些心疼

虽然我也想要争取

不过如果机会让给了这个人我是心甘情愿的

如果他人没机会表现，对我来说还是太不公平了

两个星期后将要送走我在这最不舍得的人

时间终于就快到了

有再多的不舍，也要狠心割舍

再恰当不过了

没时间表达更多的感谢

未来，就顺其自然吧

因为在乎，所以珍惜

今天之后的计划会更加的完善

慢慢知道自己要做什么

只要努力去做，那就够了

既然无法靠天分，只能靠坚持

Attitude, my only way out

Been through almost 25 days of constant working
Somehow already forget what life is about
New challenge, as I never work continuously for such a long while before

A lot of things happen, most of them are actually on the downside
Bad luck? Maybe
But basically just things that are out of my control
Or maybe I'm just too tired to being as careful as before
Nowadays started to do things without holding back
Still mindful as before, but maybe not as much
Not letting fear of failure holding myself back
Actually now I think about it, when I can afford to fail
There's nothing to be afraid about
Might as well focus on things that I want to do

Trying to work out what I want to bring out in work after this
Want to insert certain level of attitude consistently every time
Result is always not the most important thing
Hope I can bring something different for the team

Have been reading an interesting book, with short stories on psychopaths
Realising things can always being viewed in more dimensions
Although some things are out of my thinking capabilities
But reading is still one of the hobby that I should maintain

Move on. From anything in the past
From all the unnecessary fame
From all the unnecessary struggles inside an imaginary well
To take on more challenges

Plan after exam

Couldn't believe that I have not written any post for a while.
Thought I will do this more often.

Got a bit off track recently, not sure it is a downwards slide or a reversal from the bottom
Things happened somehow, but in front of the wrong person
The person that I hope will not have the chance to see this side of me
Probably quite a surprising one, very different from how I usually portray myself

I guess now I can see myself clearer, knowing what I should do moving forward
Will get a break after exam next week, just to sort myself out on things that happened recently
Somehow it feels like going back to the old dark days
Somehow it feels like things have not changed much since then
New challenges pouring in, can't stop them and these are just part of life

One of the person that I appreciate and idolise the most gonna leave
The right decision, yet feeling upset about the departure as well
I hope things just remain the same, although I know is just impossible
Have to accept the fact that people don't remain

Enough of discussion about feelings....

Already started planning what to do after exam
The only thing I can think of now is to focus on work, haha
Such a boring plan but oh well, just have to do it
Maybe start to restart certain hobbies like reading, or movie marathon
Maybe start to replay the instrument that has been left with dust for a while

No time to waste now thinking about these
Back to study. TBC

人际关系

生活中总是有意想不到的元素，其实太多事真的不在自己的控制范围之内。有些时候想着要做好的事越是要做好反而越做不好。不是说对于目标很迷茫，而是对于身边发生的事觉得迷茫吧。感觉一直以来人缘还可以，工作之后发觉人缘实在是太差，有很多时候会问是不是我有问题呢？

不过现在如果遇到什么不开心的事，其实处理的时间也越来越短。尽量不让自己介意吧，慢慢的学会在最快的时间里面放下然后往前走。不同的人有不同的情绪，拿捏不好就会遭殃，也是挺正常的吧。

昨天同事说我怎么那么多感触，我总感觉是经验累积下来吧。以前把很多的事都看得很轻，感触特别少。现在很多时候就把小事看得太重，做了什么都会稍微反省一下。也可能是麻木了太久，很多情绪其实不怎么能释放，所以比较闲的时候感触就特别多。

无论如何，知识永远都是不够时间学习的。每一天基本上都会发觉很多自己不知道的事，也不知道会不会有那么一天自己会觉得至少不是什么都不懂吧。表现平庸也未尝不是一件好事，至少能够有更多的时间去学习，去思考，去闯。要不怕失败，才有更多的机会。

Training week

Went through 4 days of training, I will say that 4 days are sort of the most meaningful days in 2017. The first that caught me out of nowhere was how to manage clients. I was picked by the presenter on purpose and as expected I was really bad in it. Nervous, low confident, shaky, sort of a "good example to be corrected from". Of course won't be too happy because of that, expected some embarrassment but somehow really appreciate the feedback. I definitely know my weakness and things to improve on. For the past 23 years had been trying to be myself, but sometimes I probably just need to adapt to real life situations. That's how life should be.

Went through another 1.5 days of training regarding my day-to-day job. The patience guidance from my seniors are definitely the things that I appreciate the most. The main reason why I still remain is actually because of the people that I appreciate and want to learn from. Learnt a lot about client facing as usual, but the key takeaway is definitely to be confident in what I am doing. No matter what, need to be sure as hell of what I did and solve all the doubts.

The last session was the one I need the most for now. It was actually similar to the principals that I have from a few years back. The two lines of lyrics that had been accompanying me for years, will still motivate me from now on. “当我和世界不一样，那就让我不一样”，“逆风的方向，更适合飞翔”. The emotional challenges this year was one of the hardest to manage and I am still going through it. I believe there will be more in the future and I will always prepare to go through it. It is true that I am always competing with people but eventually I just need to focus on myself. Downtime is hard, potential takeover from others is tough to handle, yet all these non-controllable situations shall be managed with great patience.

Need to set my targets soon. If there's no target how am I going to hit it right?

前车之鉴

一直以来都不希望跟别人太过一样的我

很多时候都在找寻着自己的方向

生活中很多的想法观点其实都是跟别人学的

音乐带给了我很多的经历

给我带来了恋爱经历，也在生活中给我带来困苦中的激励

我要放弃的时刻往往都比要继续来得多

但确实是靠着这些歌词和歌手

让我明白了很多事

除了生活中在拼凑之外

在心态上还是希望有更多的成长

慢慢学着控制自己的情绪

有些时候总得忍，总得冷静一下

确实也只有自己帮到自己

我并不像身边很多的人一样

我是那个从小听着中文歌长大的人

其实蛮多人都不太喜欢

觉得中文歌永远都是在比较低的水平

觉得说英文永远比说中文来得好，来得高级

但我确实也就这样了哈哈，习惯吧

在别人往自己身上套上种种光环的时候

我都会卸下

我一直都不觉得我自己比别人优秀

但我希望我能够表现出一种不是每个人有的态度

我并不希望我能出任何的风头

但我希望我能够成为不可缺的那个关键

每个人的追求都不一样

对成功的定义也不一样

对我来说很多的小小的进步也是一种成功

别人认可或不认可其实也不是那么重要了

看了别人的经历

不代表我也要经历一样的事

也不代表我要避免别人的错误

而是，我要用这些经历和故事

来塑造自己的态度

新的期许

今天算是看了至少半天的书吧

难得能够睡8小时其实根本不想醒来

但因为时间紧凑所以还是不能拖延太久

未来三个月都会是这样过的

老实说很多时候都挺后悔

觉得为什么我就不能和别人一样享受周末

为什么我不能去抓Pokemon 

为什么我不能看电影刷剧

为什么下班之后那么累了还要看书

看到身边其实也有人在经历没怎么放松的周末

想想他们难道就不想舒服的过周末吗？

其实悠闲的周末谁不想过呢？

那为什么他们还在坚持呢？

坚持最后能够换来什么呢？

有人跟我说，她没后悔拿了这个考试

虽然她失败了，但是不曾后悔

她比我年长不少依然能够坚持

为什么我不能呢？

心态上渐渐好了许多

放下了之前的一些误会

放下了很多的不开心

重新再来

这一次更加能够放开来拼

现在的本钱就是一无所有，没什么输不起的

我不觉得我会爱上工作

如果能够躺着就赚钱我也想

但毕竟不聪明也不有势有钱

还是脚踏实地的

付出更多的努力

来追逐梦想

没去追逐的梦想，叫做空想

如果现在不接受挑战，那等何时呢？

突破极限

曾经一度以为自己表现得还可以

可惜今年开始很多事情都急转直下

算是经历着工作上的小低潮

很多人际关系的事情，处理起来不是那么的简单

工作表现也是另一个非常关键的问题

有时候已经努力了感觉总是不够

确实，很多时候事情都不是那么的单纯

竞争上位是理所当然的事

早就该预料到会有这样的一个状况

真实是什么我好像已经不太懂

周末是一个很好的停顿时间

能够看看要用怎样的心态去面对接下来的工作

下个星期开始又在重新出发

无论如何感谢那些一直关照着我的人

因为没有他们我基本上也不会走到今天

至少能够留下，已经不错了

极限是什么

突破又是什么

再过半年的时间

我希望我能够在这里写下答案

半年前选择了离开很多人向往的地方

半年后的我并没有任何的遗憾

选择了很多我珍惜的人与事

放弃了更多的金钱与名誉

我依然坚持己见

为了梦想继续前进

是对自己最基本的要求

有没有一种信念 有没有一句誓言

呼唤黎明的出现

Changes

What have changed these few years? That had been the question that I always ask myself.

Used to be able to swim a few laps easily, but was sinking once I removed my life vest while trying to snorkel in Croatia. Used to be able to complete 5km run easily, nowadays hardly able to even finish 2km run. Used to be able to smash better in badminton, nowadays can't even do much apart from dropping the shuttle to the front court. Deterioration, is extremely obvious. Physically had become so bad since last year. Gained about 10kg in a year is just ridiculous for me. Sometimes I just dislike my current own self for a bit.

As a person who had high physical requirement towards myself, finding it extremely difficult to have the motivation to do sports since work. Not having enough energy to deal with these is one of the reason. I was spending a lot of energy in work & also thinking about work, yet never really reserve any for exercise. Failed to join the first half marathon in life during the first half of the year, hopefully can make it during the second half of the year.

Being mentally more mature is the only improvement these few years, so hope to improve physically as well, at least prevent from further deterioration. Nonetheless, the challenge after 24 will be to balance between work, study, exercise, & miscellaneous such as household issues. It is an extremely huge challenge that I set for myself, which I probably yet to be able to even foresee myself completing it. Anyway, the only thing to do is to do my best.

The path is never easy.

就这样走到世界的尽头吗

“我们曾走过无数地方和无尽岁月
搭着肩环游无法遗忘的光辉世界”

“平凡的我们也将回到平凡的世界
生活中充满孩子哭声和柴米油盐”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUCa4e5Mkrc&spfreload=5

其实之前不怎么去听这首歌
知道今年兽妈走了才真正去听
感觉又完全不一样了

十多年前就知道他们了
第一首歌是《听不到》
慢慢的就多了《知足》《天使》这些
有很多时候觉得挺不可思议的
听了十多年还是听着一样的歌手唱的歌

从一开始台下不到十个人的演唱
到北京鸟巢20万人的演唱会
从台湾唱到了Madison Square Garden
感觉好像一场梦一样
对我来说也是一场难以置信的梦

有时候觉得自己挺辛苦挺累的
其实跟他们比起来
觉得自己实在是太渺小了
到现在其实并没有和他们一样的坚持
总是在某个时候就慢了下来
我也不知道为什么

十多年后我们都不一样了
他们变成了天团
我变成了上班族
时间其实并没有等待我去慢慢体会
也没有让我重来的机会
以前老是想做梦
因为梦永远比现实来得更加完美
但之后慢慢不喜欢了
因为，真实的体会，远远超过梦境里的完美

这样的年纪
老实说，没有什么输不起的
也不会觉得太慢
只是我想还需要更加的用心
去对待每一天做的事
不会有上万的粉丝
但也要对得起自己

我不知道再多十几年
我的生活里还会不会有这五个人
但他们会是我生命里一个很重要的部分

曾经的三年前
在凌晨空无一人回家的路上
听着
“当我和世界不一样
那就让我不一样”
造就了现在的我
想放弃的时候
还是希望这样的一个精神
能够继续燃烧

Good feedback to be noted

Had a very good feedback session yesterday, chatting about what I did well and what I didn't do well during the past two months of work. For me personally always focus on what I didn't do well because those are the things which should be improved next time. There are obviously a few technical things about work which I still need to improve on, and it sort of proved that I am actually not a very detail-oriented person compare to my colleagues. I think is absolutely fine, because that is what I always felt about myself also. Not sure why in the past a lot of people said I am very detail-oriented, which makes me feel quite doubtful.

The other thing is about voicing out my ideas. Yes, there are always situations where I wanted to say something, but someone else voiced out my thoughts and took the credit. For me personally, to improve on this is quite, subjective. I agree I definitely can improve by voicing up every time instead of waiting for people to voice up first, but somehow I have chosen not to for certain reasons. Feeling that certain arguments are not necessary and time wasting is one of the reason. As a person who doesn't really like arguing and prefer a more concise progress in work, I don't usually get myself into arguments unless is necessary. And of course, I prefer to be a good listener as a start because people have ideas from different dimensions so sometimes is not very good to be too judgmental at the start. Anyway these are definitely good feedback from my reviewer.

If you ask me a year ago, I probably would not even consider myself being in this job, mainly because it is a contrast to my introvert nature. An adviser should be a very confident in communicating ideas and very outspoken, which I am not. Well, seems that I am doing not bad for now, so hopefully this year I can continue to improve to become a better adviser.

Anyway, what I really hope from the first day of work is to work with everyone in my team, because I will say that I appreciate each of them and hope to work together before anyone leaves. Well, hope for the best and will continue with my non-stopping working journey this year.