Mockingjay in my life

The thing about watching movie is
I was usually quite carried away after the movie
Ended the 2nd last day before new year with the last hunger games movie
Not gonna create any spoiler
But I would say the movie broke my heart
& I don't like the ending at all haha

2015, as usual, highs & lows
Probably lows are more than highs
& life got more intense & challenging
But the fact learnt during this year is
I haven't become the mockingjay in my own life

What's the main quality of a mockingjay?
It shines
For me, my life had been dull enough
Especially since I left Durham
My life had been very.. stagnant, robotic
I learnt a lot, but at the same time
I lost my direction & passion in other things

Reason of yet to be unemployed
I don't shine
I am always too nervous, too conserve
Overthinking, blind follower
Maybe I overused my energy
Hence I always just feel like resting my brain

To become a mockingjay
Have to be tough, determined, motivated
On fire
Not only on fire for 3 seconds, but need to last long
I'm still trying to find myself
Shaping myself into a better person
I might still be drowning
But I'm sure I will survive,
If I'm the mockingjay

Just wanna say
"Babe, I miss you"
Not in any relationship
But to whoever that I love
Not in a cheesy way, but I truly meant it

Is time to say goodbye to 2015
& then
"Ladies & gentleman,
Welcome to the 2016 Hunger Games!"

Inside out

Have been wasting lots of time recently

Probably will waste more until new year

7 movies in 2 days. Epic

Never do that before till the past 2 days, but was fun.

Watched a animated movie today

Recommended by a friend of mine

Know this movie

But cartoons are always not in my to watch list

Well, although I never cry

But this movie teaches me a lot

Probably about emotions

Overconfidence

Happened to me a lot

As I misjudged the situation & become complacent

Maybe sometimes is good to listen to others

& accept certain opinions

Nervous

Being nervous and rushing a decision doesn't bring any good

I know it, every single time

But until now is still something that I want to overcome

Is hard, & I failed many times

But I just have to try, to overcome it

So that in the future, I can act normally, speak normally

When I'm facing every person around me.

Family

I will say, I miss them

Miss the time together

Is my 4th year abroad

It annoys me that I am spending lesser time with them

Maybe I should join them if they come to travel

Maybe I should just go back home & work

I dunno

There's just too many factors to be considered

If honesty is key

I will probably be honest about slowly losing the ability to cry

My tears usually flows when I'm under too much pressure

Or some scenes are just too touching

But haven't been crying for months is just a bit weird

Doesn't freaks me out

But I think I probably need some time to release my emotion

Completely

& yea, this movie, "Inside Out"

Is great

Left Durham today

Might not be going back anymore

The feeling is pretty.. Awful

Miss there, as always

& I know, I need to let everything go

Realization

Continue from the previous post...
Yea thank goodness everything went well
A great night chatting
Although is just the 3 of us
Different Christmas experience compare to the past

Well, life is all about making choices
Chosen not to go overseas to travel this winter is a tough decision
Maybe I should have taken the opportunity
& just go somewhere
Instead of coming back to this place where I missed so much
But I think I made the right choice

Chat with my bro about how he got his part-time job & internship
Sudden realization
That he deserve what he got
& I also probably deserve to be unemployed by now

I'm not good enough, like seriously
Technical skills, not sufficient at all
& I do not speak good English at all
Have been trying to improve
But yea, not sure is it already my limit
If so then have to push beyond the limit

Not feeling too upset about it
The fact that I'm behind a lot of people by now
Can't be changed
So yea, looking forward to the future
Hopefully I improve
Soon

Meanwhile,
cherish the last few days of 2015!
Live with no regrets

Apologies for someone that won't read this

Is the first time I make my return since masters
Actually when I knew that you would join the dinner today
Was a bit nervous
Probably wasn't sure how it will go

It went alright
Although I don't really speak much for some reason
Probably because I don't really chat much usually
I just found that my jaw was frozen for the whole night

Just hope that it will be less awkward tomorrow
I don't know, it is probably my problem
Since it was the first time meeting you after a while
My apologies for everything that happened in the past
Probably scared you off a little
& also apologies for my unusual reaction today
I will be better
I promise

Meanwhile is good to be back here
The place that is always in my heart
Meeting you guys just feel like home
& maybe it's time for some bromance as well
Ciao!

2015, such a happening year

It is probably the time to reflect on 2015
Well, I probably wrote some sort of things that I want to achieve this year
But have no idea where is it by now
So, just screw that

I think every year I would say it has not been a good year
I do not know why, somehow every year seem to be hard
The start of this year was not great, obviously
The failure of getting together with a girl that I like
A tough start
It was probably just a one way thing
Hence this is probably the best outcome that I could get
Emotionally seriously affected
It is probably the first time in life that I told my friend that I was not looking forward to my birthday

Well, on the bright side
Got offered to study at Imperial
It somehow gave me some comfort
So that I do not feel awful every single day
Unexpected offer, but got it in the end

Pretty relieved with my final results in June
While traveling with my buddy in Krakow
At least I graduated with a degree result which is satisfying
Was worried about that for quite a while
But it ended up well

Travelled alone in Europe
It was actually because I cannot find anyone to travel with
So it provided me with an opportunity to explore alone
The experience was amazing
Really learnt a lot, reflected a lot
& I would say, I was lucky to meet my previous girlfriend

Graduation in Durham was pretty cool
At that time, it felt like I was the most lucky guy in this world
I really appreciate the presence of my family, cousin, friends
I can't ask for more
After three years finally they are all by my side

Finally moved on from January
Got into a relationship which I really hope for
But sadly it ended too soon
Another heartbroken situation
Well, I was the one who ended it
There was too much to handle at that time
She was a great girl, I have no doubt on that
That's probably why I still question my decision till now
There are nights, when I just miss her so much
I probably disturbed her too much as well
By still finding her when I could not fall asleep
I should let it go, & I know it
She definitely deserves a better guy in her life

Life in Imperial, torrid time
Struggling from the start, mentally stressed out almost all the time
There was a period of time when I could not control my frustration
So I guess it was good that I did not release my anger on her
Ended the term ok I guess
Besides 1 paper, I did ok for the others
Should be able to pass, so I do not really want to look back anymore

Job applications, failed 14
The remaining no reply
One of those things that is hard to accept
But I guess this is life
I do not think I am capable enough to be accepted by those 14 companies
So I think is fair that I got rejected
But certainly hope for improvement

Came across two blog posts today
Both posts also do not seem to be positive
2015 does not seem to be a good year for people including me
It feels like I have a lot of things that I want
But the truth is, I had a lot
The loss in relationship, the jobless situation, the new doubts on my masters
Somehow I just feel helpless and directionless, about future

I do not know why I ended up like this
But I guess there is still time to improve on this situation
Maybe the remaining 11 days in 2015 are not enough to make any significant change
So, hope for a better run in 2016
4.30am, time to sleep, ciao!

再度受创

没想到今天，意外还是发生了
不知怎么的状态和表现都非常糟糕
又回到了之前那个又慌又脑袋空白的状态
尝试短时间调适回来的
可是真的没办法
考完了之后就真的什么也不想说

虽然装得非常的坚强
但心里还是非常不是滋味
努力是不一定会成功的，那是对的
失败是成功之母
走出来就没事了吧

工作上收到了14封拒信
间接的。几乎彻底打击了我的希望
又遇到了瓶颈了
该怎么解呢？
我也不知道
听天由命吧

无论如何
是时候回到stochastic
为最后一天努力吧

比成功更重要的事

接下来的一个星期
将会是一个非常，情绪紧绷的一个星期
努力了几个月，就为了这四天
现在已经进入状态了
慢慢能比较专注，我想这就已经很好了

不久前就买了回杜伦的车票
老实说一直都希望是人多的时候回去
那样就可以一次过见到很多人
但想了一下，好兄弟都来问我了
其实有些东西是再多的钱也买不到的
当下就决定回去了

其实未来的事，常常会让我感到恐慌
我也即将迈入23岁了
这一辈子，好像什么也没做
还是一个找不到工作的人
未来的路，该怎么走也没想法
所以未来一年的事我还是不太敢去想的

短期的计划，我还是希望可以留在这的
在这3－4年里面，其实我得到的不只是课业上的东西
我得到了很多很多我很珍惜的朋友，很珍惜的事
我知道一旦我被迫回国
很多事情可能就变得非常的不一样了
所以如果能够选择，我还是希望在这里拿些经验

从小到大，这已经是我的第5所学校了
每次要离开的时候回顾时都会有很多想法
我也很难想像我离开这里之后会是怎样
考完试之后应该是时候做一下这一类的规划
虽然在IC的日子，实在是让我有些吃不消
感觉看起来都老了几岁了哈哈哈
但这也会是我这辈子不会忘记的成长经历
有些时候生活沉闷的当儿
其实也可以体会到很多新的事

奋斗的旅程，即将开始

要对得起为我付出的

即将会进入一个比较紧绷的状态
这样的状况应该会维持两个星期
这几天算是特意放慢脚步
因为之后就是一路冲到最后

这次求什么呢？
老实话心里谁不求distinction？
但这个太不现实了
以现在的状况都是求及格
然后一分一分去拿

需要不断地对自己说
你可以的，你行的
确实要突破机会真的非常渺茫
现在也只能够专心的备战了

当前后都是荆棘的时候
往前走应该是比较好的选择

开始了解林丹备战北京奥运的时候的滋味
是吃饭也想着羽球
然后更多的锻炼，就为了让优势增加一点点
今天早上从作业来不及写完的噩梦醒来
我知道我的状况已经开始变得更加紧绷

接下来的时间，非常希望能够全心全意的准备
希望什么也不想，就只是学习
每个晚上就听着yiruma的琴声
因为这会让我想起今年毕业前在杜伦大学图书馆
自己呆到半夜才走路回家是什么心情

我会多提醒自己
为什么来这里读书
我用了家里人多少钱
申请工作的事已经走着下坡了
所以只希望能够对得起为我付出的这些人

考试心态转换

太累了
所以今晚算是放了一晚上的假
觉得眼睛真的就太肿了，所以应该要好好休息了

以前没有太喜欢黄晓明
但刚刚看了他的影片发现性格上来说我跟他还是挺像的
他是个很拼的人，拼得身上全是伤
我想我很多时候也一样
不为什么，只不过会想突破想前进
不过有些时候真的是需要缓一缓
不然老了真的就…走不动了

还有一个星期就考试了
自身难保之余，还抽时间教一个同学
身边的人就问我是不是要追她
绯闻也慢慢传开了
无论如何都不是这样的
只不过能帮的我都会帮吧，也就喜欢这样的心态
考试固然重要，但在我心中已不是最重要

当然她也跟我说过一句话
就是她觉得马来西亚人都非常友善
我觉得挺难得的
所以也想完善一下我国人的形象
所以有很多时候我也尽量不迟到
不然我国人就永远和迟到连在一起了

以前我还挺喜欢站在闪光灯下最耀眼的
现在反而喜欢做个平凡的人
但我想带出的是
真实的一个我