Self-searching

There's time, when I do not know what I want.

Out of a sudden, the road in front seem to diverge

& they seem to be endless.

It keeps me down, low emotionally

& is affecting my progress in things.

Do I aimlessly just want to secure a second upper?

I do not know.

Definitely have to work extra hard, to confirm that I get what I need to.

Or else, probably will have nights to worry about the outcome.

It's crucial, it's a one way path.

I can only move forward, I have to run,

is like in a maze, where I would have been eaten by the monster if I couldn't escape in time.

What if I can't? What if?

Devastating? Disastrous?

I do not know.

Sometimes I just have to put all the eggs in a basket,

& have to succeed.

I really can't confirm where will I be, in a few months time.

Trying to minimize the false hope, 

trying to be logical,

trying to avoid unnecessary attention,

trying to give myself some space.

To breathe, to escape from people's assumption on my success or failure.

If I fail, is it really unlucky? Or actually it is my own fault.

Will you be dare to point it out if it is? 

Or will you judge me solely based on your assumption?

If I succeed, is it because I am lucky? Or is it because I am smart? Or is it because I worked hard?

Will you be able to understand? What am I going through?

Or you will just push me to a dead end & force my outburst?

Is hard, to bare with certain things.

To prevent overreacting, is probably best to stay in this unclear state.

I am always finding myself.

Maybe I am still lost in the forest,

but I will definitely find my way out.

Soon.

When the target is clear,

I will know what I need to do next.

& that will be when I found myself.